Following up on the previous blog article, “If Your Ex Moved On, Gladly Pass The Baton”, the question was raised: If you received a warning message from your boyfriend’s ex, during the honeymoon or idealization phase, would you even listen?
Would you heed the warning? Would it even do a darn bit of good? You may believe, like so many others, that sending a warning letter is akin to sending a life-preserver to someone who is drowning. It probably kills you inside to know that the new target is being conned and set up for misery just as you were and those before you. So many people have actually sent these warning messages, and tried to toss a life-preserver to the new “target” (the next victim of the narcissistic sociopath or narcopath), only for it to backfire in their faces. Sometimes these messages are sent out of spite or jealousy and sometimes they are sent out of true and genuine concern, but whatever the motivation behind these warnings, I am against sending them. Why?
The idealization stage is so powerful, the narcopath is simply the best partner you have ever had. He/she has morphed into your ideal mate. They have a way of instinctively knowing what you want and desire, and they know how to deliver it as believably and skilled as an Oscar-winning performance.
The target of the narcopath has fallen madly in love and will only view the warning messages from any ex boyfriend or girlfriend, as further confirmation that their new lover is as wonderful as they already believe he/she to be, and the messenger will be shot down as being jealous and vindictive. The exes will most likely be viewed as haters and liars, only hoping to break up the relationship, for the purpose of having a crack at getting Mr. or Ms. “Wonderful” back. Even worse, a warning message will only strengthen the bond between the target and the narcopath, as now they have a common enemy to unite together against.
All the expected lies the narcopath has said about you, will only look more credible in the eyes of the new target, and you will look like a foolish, jilted and jealous ex- lover.
I know many of you truly have good intentions, and only want to warn the next target from a place of “sisterhood” or “brotherhood” and protection. You may say to yourself, “Dang, if I wasn’t able to save myself from that hell, at least I can save another”. Or you might think, “I wish I had been warned!” “I am most certainly doing the new target a big favor”, but the narcopath will have beaten you to the punch and will only discredit you as the jilted ex-lover.
Now, if you can think back to when you were perched up high on that pedestal and the narcopath was your “perfect” partner, would you have listened? No, you wouldn’t have! You would be thinking that what you had with the narcopath was so special that they would never treat you the way the ex claims they treated them. You would believe that what the two of you share is different from all the rest. Heck, the two of you are meant to be- “soulmates”. The narcopath refers to you as their future spouse and tells you how perfect you are for them. That you are the person that they have been searching for their whole lives and they don’t think they could possibly love anyone more than you. That you make them so happy and they cannot imagine life without you. Remember how it felt so real and amazing, like nothing you ever felt before? You could never even imagine that the narcopath has said those things to every other “soulmate” he/she has had, and if they did, well, it’s the real deal with you! So you fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
All wars and famine will cease to exist before the new target is going to believe your little warning message or consider it, while under the spell the narcopath has cast on them. There is no way in hell, the target is going to believe anything you have to say, no matter how true it is. Not for a New York minute, unless you had the perfect timing and knew exactly when the abuses of the devaluation phase were taking place, as they surely will.
So save your time and good intentions, and instead of making a fool out of yourself or worse, provide the narcopath with the extra supply of thinking you still care, just know that we all have to go through our own journeys in life, and learn our own lessons in our own time. Spend that precious energy on saving yourself instead, and getting on with your life.
With that said, I will confess, I too would not have believed any warning messages from my narc’s previous exes during the Idealization stage. I was too intoxicated by the “perfect love” being showered upon me and the promises of a beautiful future together. It felt real as real could be and most of all, I wanted to believe every single bit of it. Who wouldn’t? Yeah, it may have felt too good to be true, and that should have raised a red flag, but I thought I had finally found what I had been searching for my whole life and wasn’t about to abandon ship, for a little red flag…or two or three.
However, had I received a warning message, that I wouldn’t have paid the least little bit of attention to, much less listened to, it definitely would have made a difference once the honeymoon phase had ended. I can tell you without a doubt, when the narc’s mask came off, and he began to show his true colors, instead of doubting myself and my intuition and hanging on for so long, trying to get back that once perfect guy, I would have remembered receiving the warning message –the little life-preserver, that had been thrown my way, and I would have had the validation I needed to confidently jump ship so much sooner.
Co-written by Bree Bonchay & Izzy Mich