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A friend, who is going through a break-up, asked me to write an article about how to recover from a narcissist or narcopath. I wish I had a magic answer. A one size  fits all, step by step guide that could relieve your pain, stop your obsessing and heal your broken heart. I really do. Although, I don’t have a magic cure, I do have some answers that may help speed up your recovery.

The Chemistry of Love

The narcissist’s love in the beginning stage of the relationship is so powerful. The impact of the “love bombing” is intoxicating. It is like no other love you have ever felt in your life. It feels too good to be true, because it was. It was manufactured, but we didn’t know that at the time. So we soaked up every bit of it. We let ourselves fall madly in love. We basked in the attention, adoration, and flattery. We surged with every profession of love and promise of a future together. We fell head-over-heals. The love we felt took to us to cloud 9. We felt on top of the world. We experienced the highest of highs. Our emotions were so overwhelming and incredibly addictive.

Our brain became drenched in a potent cocktail of “love bombing” and pleasure-inducing chemicals like: adrenaline, serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Adrenaline provided that surge of energy and excitement during the initial attraction stage and also is the cause of why many lovers require less sleep and lose their appetites. Which reminds me of a French expression, “vivre d’amour et d’eau fraiche”. Basically, when translated, it describes how lovers that are deeply and madly in love don’t need anything to survive but love and a little water- compliments of the chemical adrenaline. Then add in the drop of serotonin levels associated with falling in love, which basically diverts your mind and drives you to obsess about your lover and nothing else. Lower serotonin levels are also found in people who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- go figure! Pour in a little oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “bonding hormone”, which forges the attachment between partners. And top it off with the ever-present chemical, dopamine, which stimulates feelings of pleasure within the body and just happens to be the same addictive chemical that is released when you eat chocolate or take a hit of cocaine. So, it’s not really all that surprising that a break-up is much like trying to kick a bad drug or alcohol habit.

This explains one of the reasons why so many people tend to obsess over their exes after a break-up. The same way a drug addict obsesses about getting their next fix.

What Do I Grieve?

To add to the mess, you then mix in the confusion of the memories of the bad times, the abuse, the person that demeaned you, criticized you, laughed when you cried, humiliated you, probably cheated on you and used you. The bad person, the one that was incapable of love and not human at all. You struggle to make sense of what was real and what wasn’t.

A normal divorce or break-up is difficult, but at least you know what to grieve. When you were in a relationship with a narcissist or narcopath, you are forced to sort through all the confusion and hypocrisy. The words that weren’t consistent with their actions, and like Sherlock Holmes, you try to uncover the truth. Was your ex the wonderful person you fell in love with? Or the soulless monster that psychologically terrorized you? Should you be sad over the loss or angry as hell?

How do you even start the grieving process when you are unsure of what you are supposed to be grieving? Acceptance is the first step in the journey to recovery- the acceptance that you were in love with an illusion, a mirage, a person that didn’t really exist. This is not easy, because what you felt was very real. But once you truly accept the reality that the person you were in love with, never really existed and it was all a façade to con you and ultimately control you, then you will be free to grieve the loss of the idea of the love you thought you once shared and the hope that your love could have ever developed into anything real and satisfying for any length of time.

Go No Contact

The second step to recovery is the establishment of No Contact in its highest form. This means you delete and block your ex from every form of social media and technology you have. It doesn’t mean that you just don’t contact them. It means that you also don’t respond to them, should they try to contact you. You don’t reply to their emails, texts, phone calls or smoke signals. You are withdrawing from your drug. So this means full abstinence. Cold turkey all the way! You can’t just have a little hit now and then. It doesn’t work that way. You are also protecting yourself from potentially being lured back in to the narcs trap, only to be spit out again even more quickly and callously the next time around.

If you have children together and you must have contact with them, you keep the contact limited, brief and to the point. Nothing more!

Check Your Ego

The next step is checking your ego. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other relationship. Right? You probably put more effort and energy into it then you ever did before. And in return, you were rewarded with one of the most awful and painful experiences of your life. Your ego will have a difficult time accepting that you have been served a lying, cheating, abusing scoundrel, who you gave your heart and soul to and tried harder with than any other. Your ego will drive you to want to make that sh*t go right. To try to climb back up that ladder to the pedestal that was once rightfully yours. To hang in there, because it can’t be that a smart-cookie, like yourself, got crumbled. But the truth is, you did. Your ego will keep you holding on waiting for the “I miss you’s” or the “I wanna see you’s” or waiting for him/her to come crawling back on their knees or maybe even wanting to see him/her crash and burn with the next target. Your ego will have a hard time accepting that the jerk that used you and abused you emotionally, spiritually and probably your wallet too, doesn’t even appreciate you and probably never did.

“Ego is just like a dust in the eye. Without clearing the dust you can’t see anything clear, so clear the ego and see the world.” ~Unknown

It’s time to let go of the ego. With no ego, you can cut your losses. Once your ego is totally flattened, there is hope, because now you have real ground to stand on and move forward from. Your self-esteem and self-respect will be gained by walking, or better yet, running the heck away.

Focus On What You Want

I have heard a lot of advice that says to write down all the cons about your ex on a piece paper. I say if this helps you, great. I personally don’t feel this strategy is all that useful because guess who you are focused on? That’s right! Now is the time to focus on yourself! It might feel strange at first, because you are so conditioned to focus on the narc’s needs and wants, but after a while, you will really enjoy having it be about you again! Also, “what you focus on e x p a n d s”, so if you are writing down all the cons and negative qualities of the narc, you may bring more of what you don’t want into your life. Instead, I suggest, writing down all the qualities in a partner that you do WANT. Be specific and detailed and don’t leave anything out. This will bring the focus back on you and your wants and “when you want something, the universe conspires in helping you achieve it”. ~ Paul Coelho

Get Out of the House

There is so much advice out there and it’s all so conflicting. Some people say start dating right away, others say, wait a while. I say just get out of the house. Start doing what you love again. Or, find new things to love. Take up a sport. Enroll in a class. Go out with friends. Make new friends. Go to the gym. Try new things. But, just get out there. Hey, if you meet someone you like, date them. Don’t be bound by too many rules. This is your time to be free to do as you choose. If you do date, you know the warning signs now. So just pay attention and take it slow.

Forgiveness

One reason it is so hard to forgive the narcissist or narcopath is that it may compensate for feelings of powerlessness. People feel more in charge when they’re with anger and resentment. Another reason you may not want to forgive, is it can feel like weakness or defeat. But, when you are ready, forgiveness could be the most powerful thing you do. You may feel the narc doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. But your forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. In actuality, the best way to feel better, is the opposite of revenge and hate. To forgive doesn’t mean to give in; it means to LET GO. Once you forgive, you are no longer an emotional hostage to the person that hurt you. Forgiving is good for your body and soul too. Reliving and holding on to past hurts is bad for your health. It increases stress and high blood pressure and is damaging to the health of your heart. Don’t think forgiving is forgetting, it isn’t! We can’t forget hurts, nor should we. Those experiences have taught us very valuable lessons and to never let ourselves ever become victimized or narcisized again.

Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.

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35 thoughts on “The Chemistry of Love And Narcissism

  1. How exactly do you let go of the ego?? Please tell me how. I’m DESPERATE for him to contact me and it’s killing me.

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    1. After I figured out what he was, I just kept reminding myself that he is mentally ill. He never reciprocated my feelings because he is unable to. I only allowed myself to think of all the bad times and negativity, I didn’t allow any good memories what so ever. I’ve been in counseling for 5 months and talking to an unbiased person helps. I still remind myself every day he did this to his ex wife, his ex girlfriend, me and now he’s working on another target. He is evil, he is awful, he has no soul, he has no integrity, he is dead to me. He wants me to think about him and miss him to continue to feed his ego. It helps me to stay angry with him, I destroyed every picture or memento of us, I’ve finally gotten to the point that I can’t picture his face. I have allowed part of me to forgive him because I have to remember he is mentally ill. Something happened to him to make him this way, but I won’t allow my empathy to cloud the reality of what he is.

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      1. Donna, I think you are doing exactly what it takes to heal and move forward. Every thought you said about reminding yourself about all the bad times, reminding yourself how he had done this to others, about his lack of integrity, and lack of soul. Getting rid of all reminders. I think that is so important because emotionally generous people are naturally forgiving people and tend to give people too many chances or allow them back into their lives, if even just as a friend. They don’t deserve it, mentally ill or not. Forgiveness only means you no longer take his actions personally and allow them to affect you. Im glad you are not allowing your empathy to cloud reality. Well said! Thank you for sharing! Keep on doing what you are doing. I wish you peace and love😊

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    2. Ineedofhelp, you start by telling yourself you deserve better. You accept and love yourself completely for you are, flaws and all. You do that so you don’t rely on his approval or him wanting you back to confirm your worth or value. You stop caring what he thinks, what other people think. You do what you need to do that’s best for you. You delete and block him and anyone on his “team”. Even if you think it may make you look bitter or jealous or whatever. Who cares, you are taking care of yourself. Work on becoming completely authentic and real. You will attract authentic and real people into your life. We attract people at our common level of woundednrss. Set yourself free, be completely you, release of limiting belief you have about yourself. Don’t look for comfort in the place that caused you pain. Find it with in. Don’t look for validation externally, find it from within. Join my Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery forum at http://www.Facebook.com/narcopath

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  2. It is still so difficult to see my life in every post. This last relationship, the one I would’ve given my life for, the one I am still grieving, …i don’t understand how what I thought was our unique happily ever after….was nothing more than a formula, a pattern, a disorder. My heart is worse than broken…shattered. Thank you for posting these truths. How long does it really take to heal?

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  3. What if the person you are dealing with IS the narcissist, but continues to read and post articles like these making the innocent person look as if THEY are the narcissist. It’s maddening and while I am sure the articles do help people in some way, it’s also bad on the person who is still being abused and blamed for everything. I think most women LIKE to hold on to the negative – they LIKE to keep holding on to the drama and heartbreak. I am not saying everyone does, but I am a true witness of someone who is a completely delusional person who will say or do anything to deflect off of them and place the blame on the opposite side. It’s frustrating as hell.

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  4. Is it normal to think some where in all this that you yourself feel like you are the narc..especially at the end..discarded due to his need for a new supplier who he has now ….before he found a new person we would go back and forth …I’m over a 5 year period…it wasn’t until 3 yrs ago he said he wanted a divorse but he never acted on it and I never questioned it because I kept thinking we would work things out eventually. ..but it wasn’t until about 2 months ago I actually looked up narcissistic and the more I read couldn’t believe it ..people I didn’t even know we’re talking about my life even using some of the same phrases I had been told over and over again…I kept it to myself and then May came around..divorce papers filed we went together had the people at clerks questioning who is getting divorced. .ya’ll don’t act like you hate each other and it was just a field trip that we laughed about…went back home had amazing sex and went about like we always do..I went back to my house and he went and did his thing…then 11 days later our dog..who I had in my custody…after having 8 years suddenly became ill and began a 6 day vigil watching him die and I called my narc and said you need to come say goodbye to him because he is hanging on for some reason..he did on a Sunday 17th …after he left later that night the dog just starting doing what we call talking I got my narc on the phone I said listen to him and my narc started talking to him in Spanish and he would talk more so this on for 30 minutes finally we hung up and said let me know if anything happens. .ok..so Monday comes our dog finally let go I called my narc and he said I’m on my way he got here and we buried him in our pet cemetery where I might add he buried my dog I had before we met…after all that he hugged me and went back to work…2 days later our anniversary came ànd went as for the rest of the month did too..I hadn’t really talked to him or anyone for that matter until June 1st..that’s the day everything changed like I had never experienced before in our whole 13 years together. ..the new person was made known to me by my narc and if that wasn’t enough it had been going on for the whole month of May…so to recap on the may 18th was the very last time my narc treated me as a person and then turned into my worst nightmare ever….I wised him well even told him please don’t fuck it up…I guess what hurts or maybe bugs me the most is he speaks to me with so much contempt and then the threats came and then he completely blocks all communications. ..you know I was fine about it and then when he decided to talk to me about our divorce agreement he was nice when it was something for him but when it came to me nope he just dragged his feet ..so now I guess I feel like I’m a narcissistic because he won’t talk to me and he is just down right ugly to me…sorry this was so long and I’m sorry if I didn’t even ask a question ..I just needed to tell my story to someone because he is probably telling everyone now look how she is acting..damn I hate him…I had been 5 days being and feeling strong into this and I back slided.

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    1. Cindy, narcs never question if they are narcs. That would mean they would have to entertain the thought that they aren’t perfect or that they are flawed in some way. That’s not acceptable to them, because they are perfect🙂 haha
      From what it sounds like; 1. He is treating you with contempt because he didn’t get the reaction (supply) out of you he expected when he let you know about the new person. 2. He is treating you with contempt because he was in the wrong so by treating you as if you are in the wrong seems to have the effect of getting you to doubt yourself and reality and question what you may have done? They are all sugar and sweet when it suits them, but if there’s nothing in it for them, then they couldn’t care less. He probably is telling people a whole lot of things. They lie and twist the truth and will make someone look bad to make them look good. The only thing you can do is to completely disengage from him and anyone you suspect may side with him. Cut them all out. It’s the most healthy thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong!

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  5. How do you go no contact with a visitation schedule that the GAL was convinced he was the victim, and he doesnt have to be supervised, after the erractic and dangerous stuff he put me through while I was pregnant including putting his hands on me he had me convinced if I did anything to keep him from the baby it was my fault until I got in with my attorney, I didn’t realize the full force of this until 3 months in to custody, with no child support and him constantly challenging doctors orders about feeding schedules and sick visits, so he just pulled another threat when I asked him to leave after visitation I called the police on him and his story was completely different from mine and the cops basically shrugged it off that an ex felon with a temper probably didn’t make a pass at me with a child in my arms because no witness I’m starting to feel lost.

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  6. I try to get over my N, but I can’t help but think he is getting the last laugh. I should n’t care but it bothers me. It consumes my thoughts at times and haunts me. I was dumped by a loser so why do I not feel on top of the world to be free from torture and have recurring thoughts that he and his new fool are both laughing at me? Why do I care so much after the hell the N put me through? He tells his newbie that I am the horrible ex all heartbroken and obsessed with him the same way he used to tell me about his ex! I would never go back with him but why do I care about rhis? Grrrrrr!

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    1. Gina, break-ups are hard, being broken up with is harder, but being dumped by a loser is the biggest the gift you could ever receive! It’s natural to care about what others think, but the reality is, in the end, people will believe what they want. Narc’s have a string of so called psycho or heart-broken exes. They will say whatever will portray them in the best light. They are one trick ponies that just recycle the same old tired stories that have worked for them in the past. The “newbie” will eventually learn the truth and she will one day be portrayed in the same way as all the others before her. You know the truth of what she inherited and the truth always comes out in the end. In the meantime, thank your lucky stars for this gift you have given. Focus on yourself, it only gets better from here!

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  7. Ms. Bree Bonchay,
    Thank you so much for writing these articles. I honestly haven’t seen more clearly in my entire life and your words cut right into my soul. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for nearly 2 years with an emotionally manipulative/abusive narcissistic partner. I never identified what he did to me as “abuse”. If I heard that word earlier or someone said that specific word to me earlier, I probably would’ve left quite sooner. I am finally taking my life, power, and SANITY back and now realizing I can be free from this!!! Love is truly blinding and I truly believe I was brainwashed. I stuck up for him and defended him when people would tell me something was wrong with the picture. Completely brainwashed. Your insight and truth in each article you write is remarkably profound. I’ve been through article after article educating myself, gaining knowledge on this type of personality disorder, and nothing has quite struck me as hard as your incredible, painfully honest, sanity-saving articles. I honestly just want to burst out in tears. That’s how genuinely grateful I am for you and your sharing of the TRUTH. You are doing such a wonderful things – waking people up, and setting them free! Thank you Thank you Thank you.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lovetolaugh,
      can I tell you that your comment means the world to me. I have a lump in my throat. I’m beyond glad that my articles have given you clarity and resonated with you. And I’m so touched that you took the time to let me know and thank me.
      Thank you! And Peace & Happiness and Freedom always🙂 ~ Bree

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  8. Its so good to know i have done all the right things, and after nearlly 4 years out of this marriage my life is back on track and i am feeling great about myself. Thankyou for this article it definately makes me feel good.

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  9. Ladies I have to tell my story.
    Flying up to Massachusetts one weekend I met this woman on the plane up. We had a nice conversation and exchanged phone numbers. Well I gave her mine. After two months she finally contacted me.
    Seems like she was having “problems” in Atlanta and wanted to come to Florida. I was just out of a one year abusive relationship where the abuser stole from me and lied about everything so I was a bit Leary. She persued me ( the woman I met on the plane) like she was trying a bit to hard. Anyway she packs up her clothing and comes to Florida. I may add this woman is 53 years old had been in abusive relationships drug addiction and was dealing with the murder of her daughter 11 years later.
    So she buys this boat. Had the boat brought up to the marina and agreed to take it slow. Little by little she came to be in my home. Can I take a shower do laundry etc etc and after 3 weeks was living in my home. All the while telling me him much she loved me how I was her heart. And it was non stop. I’m not kidding!! Every other word was I love you.
    Now comes the interesting part.
    The man who moved her boat offered her a job and she went to work for this man. After 5 days of work he didn’t pay her. Well I thought there’s a person you don’t need to be around. Afew days go by and one night about 10:30 the phone rings. It’s him not calling about work or the money he owed but about his ex wife and how much he missed her. I thought that was a bit odd. I told my gf that I don’t think that was appropriate and she should tell him to stop.
    She said she did. My business takes me out of town a lot so I can’t say for sure he did or didn’t.. Untill three weeks ago. Same deal laying on the couch watching tv 9:30 and he calls again… Same thing!!
    I thought you said you took care of this why is this man calling you… For anything. I was told by her that there was nothing there and I was making something out of nothing. Fast forward two weeks.
    Flipping thru Facebook I found he had posted and I quote .. How about coming over here and giving me a big good morning hug. Needless to say I was a bit upset. Confronting her she got real angry and again told me there was nothing there. I can’t control who contacts me is what she said then the fight started.
    I used words that would make a sailor blush.
    I also told her that if she couldn’t be honest with me she would have to leave my home. She told me that someone was coming to help her move. I didn’t want strangers in my home and told her if she did that I was going to call the police.
    One of my friends came over and got the dogs and the keys to the house. 5 minutes later another man arrived and the packing began. This man is the man whore of the marina. He has a big boat and my gf said she was going to stay on one of the rooms till her boat was done( it was getting fixed and out of the water) A day after the fight I had calmed down and I have to say I felt shattered. Tried to apologize but she wasn’t hearing it. Told me that she loved me but wasn’t going to be treated that way. That way? After pretty much lying to me about a total stranger?
    I don’t believe she cheated on me but something wasn’t right there. I could feel it. And all the while she kept saying that she had done nothing wrong.
    I was and still am ill over this. When I got home 4 days later I actually saw her out to dinner with guy #2 holding hands and very chummy so to speak.
    I felt the need to do something. So I confronted her.
    She said again he’s just my friend we are just having diner..I begged forgiveness. She didn’t even want to talk. I love you and I forgive you now leave me alone was all she said. Very cold. This was our 1st and only fight in the 8 months we were together. She accused me of being distant i.e. Not wanting to have sex with her all the time. Shoot I’m 49 and we did have sex 5-6 times the week prior to me leaving.
    I have a small business to run and sometimes I’m just drained. She has gone full no contact on me.
    I mean full. I’m sure she has already started with man #2. He was waiting in the wings so to speak.
    It’s been two weeks now I can’t eat I can’t sleep all I think about is why. Why would someone let a total stranger come between us? Who could someone move on to another person so fast? Ladies I’m no monster. I did say some nasty things and I think they hurt me as much as they hurt her. If she is even hurt at all. I find myself blaming myself all the time.
    Like I was never good enough. She always needed validation. Love me love me love me….. All the time.
    Up Untill this fight all seemed fine, for the most part but another part of me felt that something just wasn’t right. I’m so confused. I loved this woman with everything I had. She made me feel wonderful from the start but left out the whole truth sometimes. When I would ask about her past on Georgia she would change the subject back to me.
    In fact when I asked her anything personal she would change the subject. I feel used. I feel deceived. I feel conned… I sure could use a woman’s point of view right now.
    Thanks..
    John

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  10. Ladies I need some help
    Eight months ago I met this woman on a flight from Fort Myers to Atlanta after the flight ended we parted ways and I gave her my phone number
    I was one year out of an abusive relationship the past abuser had lied and stole from me so I was leery to start another relationship
    A month later I received a phone call from this woman the one I had met on the plane her plans were to move to Florida and a few weeks later she did . She seemed to be I can’t seem to think of the words in a rush to get into a relationship .
    Arriving in Florida she had purchased a boat and we had both agreed to take it slow. It went from can I take a shower at your house? Can I use your laundry room? And eventually after three weeks she moved in. She went to work for a gentleman that had moved her boat up to the marina three blocks from my house. For five days of working for him he never paid her for her services. So I said that’s one less person you need to deal with. A few days later the phone rang. We were on the back porch about 1030 at night and it was him. I asked her what that was all about and she said he wanted to speak about his ex-wife and how lonely he was. I thought that was very odd. I I asked her to put a stop to that seeing that I didn’t think it was appropriate that a stranger was calling her at all. Now I work out of town quite a bit and I can’t say for sure but I’m pretty sure the texting them a call and continued while I was gone. When I came home three weeks ago same thing. 930 at night in the phone rings it’s him I was a little confused. I thought you put a stop to this I said she said you’re making something out of nothing there is nothing there. A little background on the ex-girlfriend she had come from abusive relationship drug addiction in the murder of her daughter 11 years prior. So I knew this woman had some baggage but I was willing to try. Back to the boat guy I thought this was taken care of and that I would never hear of him again according to what I was told. Out in California a week ago I see a post that he made on Facebook. Come on over here and give me a big good morning hug was the post I got very upset. I thought you took care of this why is this person still in the picture? I was told I was making something out of nothing and she had no way of stopping anyone from contacting or texting her. Then the fight started over the phone I said words that would make a sailor blush. So did she.
    I got very heated all the while she was telling me I wa overreacting. Do I think she cheated on me? No I don’t but something wasn’t right there. Who puts a stranger in brethren a loved one. That’s another thing about her. She always said I love you and I mean all the time!!!! 10 times in a five minute conversation. No joke. Always looking for validation.
    Anyway back to the fight. It got so bad that o asked her to pack and leave. She informed me that someone people were coming to help her move.
    She didn’t have anything but clothing and I didn’t want strangers in my home so I told her I was calling the police. Enter guy #2
    The marina man whore comes to her rescue.
    She said she would be living aboard his boat Untill hers was ready to go back I the water.
    All the while I’m feeling horrible for the whole thing.
    Well all I could think about was getting back to her and apologizing. 4 days later I saw her with man #2 holding hands waiting to go into a bar.
    All chummy and he’s rubbing all over her.
    Well I confronted her on the spot and what I got was… I love you I forgive you but you made something out of nothing. Ieave me alone.
    She has gone full no contact on me so I can’t even talk to her. She is 53 years old I’m 49.
    This was our 1st and only fight in 8 months and I feel sick inside about the whole thing.
    I feel like I was coned
    I feel like I was used
    I feel completely lost.
    8 months of I love you and boom!!
    Gone after one fight
    4 days later into the arms of another man
    I started to question if I was the narc in this whole thing. I’m no monster and I don’t play those kind of games…. Never have. Do any of you have any thoughts as to why she wouldn’t want to speak to me? Is one nasty fight beyond repair?
    And why do I feel the way I do?
    I know deep down something wasn’t right about the whole thing… 2 weeks later and I’m still sick over it…
    Thoughts?
    John…

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    1. John, I went through this for a year and a half with a man who told me he loved me so much and would be with me forever. When we had a fight he was quick to leave. He was controlling the situation. This happened 8 – 10 times and we always got back together because I would miss him and he knew he could use me some more. I am certain your ex cheated on you as I now suspect mine did. Everything was fantastic for nearly a year bUT then I started to see the real him. If your ex is like mine she will quickly find a new victim because she doesn’t care how you feel. Mine only wanted to talk to me when I was happy, never when I was upset. It was hard for me to accept this. He only wanted his way and didn’t care what i wanted. It was hard for me to understand. The truth can be very painful, but there are many good people out there. I hope you find one. For me, I am happy being alone for now. I lean on friends and family for a lot of support and keep busy to try and keep him off my mind but it is quite difficult. I have not seen or communicated with him for 3 months and I still have some very difficult days but i know my life with him would have been miserable. Good luck! Try to smile and think positive thoughts. She’s not worth your time. You can do better.
      Joan

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  11. Patrick, June 2016.
    I could never figure out after 12 years of marriage, why my wife publicly humiliated me, would accuse me of traits that I knew I didn’t have but she did etc, etc, etc. She accused me of all sorts of things which I have discovered were excuses to get out of our marriage in 2013 and in hindsight was the best thing that could have happened. It is only in recent months that I have discovered articles on NPD which I had never heard of. The traits of NPD fit my ex perfectly in every way. I now realise that although I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t to blame for the more serious issues which were highlighted in our marriage. If only I had known about this whilst we were married. I would have dealt with things a lot differently. The problem now is, she has poisoned the minds of those “friends” that were and I emphasise were, in our social circle. Only one couple has remained friends with me and they have remained totally impartial. One thing I have discovered, although these articles on NPD are of tremendous help, they can have a negative effect if one reads too many of them. They can create even more confusion in ones mind. That said, this is a very helpful article. Thank you

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  12. Everything here is so accurate. Thank you for this article. It helps immensely. At first I felt sorry for him because he was probably born this way and it was not a choice. But then I remembered he gave me warning signs. We broke up every month or two for a year and a half and he said things like…”I will never be the person you want me to be” and “you deserve better”. I asked him if he thought the way he treated me was normal and he replied “if my life was normal I would say I treat you horrifically “. So that’s when I knew. I just dumped him and never talked to him again. I was sad for months and think about him often, but I will never contact him again. Time heals and I am on the right path for that.

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  13. That helped clear a lot of misunderstandings for me. My ex appeared to be a narcissist and it has taken me this long to accept it. We were married for ten years. Eight of them were mostly hell with a few bouts of good. All I tried doing was hoping we would get back to those first two years. I never loved someone so much. You are right when you say that what you feel is so real that you almost would do anything to get it back. I kept clinging to that hope. But after the violence, insults, his binge drinking. Verbal and emotional abuse, I got out. I spent years questioning whether he ever loved me. He got engaged 16 days after out divorce and married within the year. He even got his new wife convinced I was the narcissist! Eventually, he spent everything he had, ran himself into debt, blaming me of course since he had to be there victim, and then killed himself.

    To this day I miss what we had not sure if it was real or not, true or facade.

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  14. I recently dumped my narc of almost 30yrs. He was my first everything, when I was 15 yrs old. This guy has disappeared & reappeared on and off. 6 years ago he really did a number on me. One day he stopped all contact. I found out later he had been having an affair with the mother of his first child and they were “in love”. He showed up drunk on my doorstep months later and I sent him away, thankfully. Cut to a year ago when he starts trying to contact me. They had been fighting and he basically wanted me to rescue him…for the night. I kept him at bay for a year and finally gave in. We’ve been together since July and I just found out that once again he was trying to get back with the ex. He had told her I was “just a friend” and we had never even held hands, let alone had sex. I filled her in on our history and current relationship. I also promptly gave him the boot. We haven’t had any contact but I have heard that they are together again. A friend told my to read up on NPD and I thought “he isn’t a narcissist”. What an eye opener. I can’t believe I was so blind, so used. I feel like such a fool. I have deleted everything of him from my life. I’m so thankful I had the guts to say ENOUGH. Now I’m left missing him, resenting him, wondering what was real and why I’m so easily taken in. All these articles have helped me immensely so I thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experiences. I seem to be stuck in anger and fantasizing ways of revenge. I know I don’t have to do anything because he will sabotage himself. I just hope that I can get to the point where I don’t even care about that and just move on with my life. I know that he’ll be back. 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, he’ll be back. I hope to have worked out my codependency issues and have the strength to say NOT THIS TIME.

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  15. Fifteen years of my life was spent in a secret affair with a female narcissist. I have only recently connected all of the dots from every question I ever had as to why she had behaved the way she had with me over our time together. It is the most bitter of disappointments to realize that you’ve loved and lived a lie for so long. I blamed myself and my inability to see beyond that which she wanted me to see and so I had to walk a path of self-forgiveness. I even learned finally to be able to forgive her, certain that she is unaware and ultimately incapable of knowing what she truly is. Certainly, I had questioned various things over the span of our relationship but since I was within the confines of an affair, there were precious few people I could confide in. So my journey was slow. Now I am free and adhering to the No Contact rule. My nervous tics are gone, my eczema has diminished, my blood pressure has lessened and the world and other people are looking beautiful and full of the possibility of every good thing that life and real, true, reciprocal love can offer. I am now trying to embrace a sense of gratitude for my experience. I am certainly humbled by it…and much wiser, however hard-won that wisdom has come to me. I am now trying to help a friend who finds herself in similar circumstances, whose boyfriend was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, She’s had a bad time of it. But I and all of you are here to help. More gratitude that people can be so loving and so capable of help to others when their own pain has been so grievous. Thank you for your support; we’re all here for each other, after all. And God help the Narcs who will never be able to feel such love in their lives, it is a tragic thing for them…but they’ll never know that.

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