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There is a lot of information already on the internet about the “no contact rule” and how to implement it. The problem is with the passage of time, people develop relationship amnesia and just around the time relationship amnesia begins to set in, the narcissist, like a tornado will regenerate and strike again. No contact is good but going Stover is even better. No that wasn’t a typo. Stover is a term a friend of mine coined that means the relationship is “So Totally OVER” or Stover. Going Stover is a lot like going no contact only on Red Bull, and best of all it protects against dreaded relationship amnesia.

Tornadoes are the most powerful and deadly weather phenomena on land. Like narcissists, they destroy everything in their path and hurl debris over great distances and the second you rebuild they will strike again. Fortunately, taking the added measure of going Stover is like kryptonite to the vortex of the narcissist’s tornado from ever regenerating.

WHAT IS STOVER?

Stover is not just no contact, no response for a certain amount of time to clear your head and heal your heart. Stover is a frame of mind. It’s your new mantra. It’s rejecting anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s closing the door forever and putting a padlock on it. It’s accepting the relationship is finished and there’s no turning back, no matter what. It’s ensuring there is zero possibility of any reconciliation or potential for a future friendship. It’s letting go of the need for vindication or hope of an apology. It’s accepting that the outcome was inevitable. It’s building an impenetrable fort of protection. It’s erecting a boundary that is indestructible. It’s reacting proactively to guard against relationship amnesia. It’s feeling confident about permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. It’s crossing the bridge, then throwing a grenade over your shoulder and blasting the bridge to bits. It’s diffusing the narcissist’s vortex from ever regenerating. It’s taking back your power. It’s the sum of many small actions that equal complete and total self-love. It’s the loudest silent message that the relationship is not just over, it’s So Totally OVER! (STOVER).

WHY STOVER?

Let’s be honest. Break-ups are hard. Being broken-up with is harder, but a break-up with a narcissist is pure hell. But it is also a gift that is only realized once all that residual brain wash has had time to fade away. A narcissist’s manipulation tactics only work on certain types of people, although you don’t necessarily have to adopt the label of co-dependent just yet. There are many people who are not co-dependent but are susceptible to a narcissist’s manipulation tactics. These people usually are emotionally generous, empathetic, forgiving, honest and willing to take responsibility. Narcissists view these qualities as vulnerabilities or weakness and use them against their victims. In reality, these qualities are strengths the fragile narcissist is totally void of. “It’s more courageous to have a soft heart in a hard world”, then the opposite. The answer is not to become like the monster you’re battling or the vampire who bit you, but to recognize that the qualities that are part of who you are, are the qualities that put you in danger in the presence of toxic people. Embracing the mind frame and implementing the guiding principle of going Stover when breaking-up with a narcissist is the added protection that guards against getting sucked backed in to the narcissist’s vortex and decreases the chances that it will regenerate in the future.

Before I explain the guiding principle of going Stover, it’s important to identify the 3 main emotional re-entry points that need to be addressed.

HOPING FOR CHANGE

Some people have a difficult time closing that door, much less changing the locks because they tend to see the good in people and hold on to that hope that their ex will change. So they say and act as if the relationship is over, but in their heart of hearts they clearly leave the door cracked slightly open. They cling to the hope the narcissist will reach some sort of divine epiphany that causes him/her to feel remorse and show up at their door, olive branch in hand, repenting for his/her misdeeds while reciting a litany of I’m sorry’s.

Narcissists may come back and apologize and say every last word you have hoped to hear, crocodile tears and all. Their make-believe remorse will be short-lived. Once you are back under their spell, the mask will slip off again. Only this time, a more evil version of the monster within will reveal itself.

RELATIONSHIP AMNESIA

Emotionally generous people typically are forgiving to a fault, usually to their own detriment. With the passage of time their non-grudge-holding nature causes them to remember the good memories and forget about all the horrible things the narcissist said and did. The memories of all the constant criticisms over the most minor and trivial things transform into constructive criticisms. All the out-right lies get downgraded to over exaggerations. Even though the narcissist blamed them for every single problem in the relationship, they remind themselves that they weren’t exactly perfect. They fail to recall the insanity of the crazy-making conversations that left them scratching their heads in disbelief, feeling invalidated and wanting to bang their heads against a brick wall.

Learning to set clear boundaries by quickly expelling toxic people from your life is a good habit to practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets and protects you from relationship amnesia.

FRICTION AVOIDERS

Then there are people who leave the door open a crack because they hate leaving things on bad terms. Any kind of friction in their lives produce feelings of discomfort so they avoid ejecting people from their circle, even when they know it’s for their own good. Their peace keeping nature isn’t comfortable having enemies so they settle for a large circle filled with a lot of frenemies.

Sometimes things don’t end well or neatly like we would like them to. Sometimes endings are messy and complicated. Learning to be comfortable and confident in your decisions without worrying about being liked or what others think is an essential step to happiness and recovery.

Even when you implement no contact, no response, at some point, whether it takes 5 months or 5 years, most narcissists will pull the ole’ boomerang trick. They will try to test the boundaries of no contact just to prove they can and assess how much control they still have over you.

Failing to recognize and address re-entry points and the reasons for leaving the door open, however so slightly, allows the narcissist to pull the ole’ boomerang trick and bounce back in to your life.

Since I have yet to hear about a narcissists who has reappeared because they truly loved their ex or sincerely realized the errors in their ways. There is no reason not to completely go Stover and slam that door shut and change the locks. There are only a few exceptions where it’s not possible to go Stover- if you are co-parenting children with the narcissist, work with the narcissist or some other reason, then limiting contact and modifying the guiding principle of going Stover to fit your situation is the second best option.

THE GUIDING PRINICPLE OF GOING STOVER:

Remember Stover is a state of mind. It’s a mantra. It’s permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. There is only one main guiding principle of going Stover and that is to batten down ALL the hatches. Now that you are aware of the possible emotional points of re-entry, it’s time to focus on all other possible forms of re-entry and extinguish all potential avenues for cyber-assualt.

FACEBOOK FIRST:

Typically, the narcissist will not immediately de-friend you from Facebook because it would deny them the added enjoyment of cyber-abusing you by making negative, vague or out-right lies about you via comments on mutual friend’s posts or on their own page and by flaunting the new love of their life. The social media displays of their new relationship utopia is just another manipulation tactic to deceive you and everyone else in into thinking that you were at fault for the relationship’s end and they finally found a person who is worthy of their greatness.

Even if you aren’t still Facebook friends, there are still some very important steps you can take to protect yourself.

This step is not for the faint of heart, but you will thank yourself later for following this suggestion. If you are Facebook friends, go to your ex’s Facebook page and delete every comment you made on every post. If you can, do it when you think your ex is asleep and will not notice the disappearing comments. Then delete your ex’s comments on your own Facebook page. Delete all pictures of your ex or save them to a file on your computer labeled trash to delete at a later time after you have cropped the narcissist out. Now you’re ready to delete and block your ex from Facebook.

Why go through all this trouble?

Because if you delete your ex without first  wiping away your comments from his/her Facebook page, when you update your profile picture, even after you delete and block them, they will be able to see your updated profile picture by viewing any comments you’ve made on their page and vice versa. Do you really want to see all those lovey-dovey profile pictures of your ex and the clueless new victim while viewing your page? And your ex does not need to stay updated on your love-life either. Of course, you are going to hit the gym and look 100 times better, especially since the N stress has vacated your life. And it’s oh so tempting to want to rub all your hotness in their face, but this relationship is Stover, so none of that matters and you don’t want to give them a single reason to return.

If it’s too late and you have already deleted them or they deleted you, don’t worry. Just go through your Facebook page and manually delete all their comments and pictures and then click the block button. If they have blocked you, just block them right back, just in case they decide to ever un-block you.

Next, it’s time to delete and block all their family members. If you feel inclined, you can send a polite message to anyone that you may have become close with explaining your reason for deleting them is not personal but something you feel you need to do. Then do the same with any mutual friends that you suspect may be on their team or may share information about you. It’s better to error on the side of caution. You only want to surround yourself with people who are 100% team (insert your name here).

ALL OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA:

Once you have cyber-sealed Facebook, make a list of every social media site you are on, even ones you don’t use often and delete and block your ex, his/her family and any and all suspected allies. This will not only prevent the potential for contact, but let’s face it, we all get curious, and these steps will prevent the urge to cyber-peak. Staying updated on your ex will not only keep you stuck and re-open old wounds but it opens you up to the myriad of narc-sadistic cyber-abuse tactics. The less you know the better. Remember what curiosity did to the cat.

OTHER FORMS OF RE-ENTRY:

PHONE: Change your ex-narcissist’s name in your phone to Psycho, Narcissist, Don’t Answer, Sociopath, Loser, or whatever creative and fitting name of your choosing. If you receive a phone call, let it go to voicemail or use the block option on your smart phone. If you receive a text, don’t respond. Don’t even respond that you will not be responding. If they are harassing you or incessantly texting or calling you, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER.

EMAIL: You can either block their email address or adjust your email settings to have any emails from their email address go to directly to your spam file. Or, you can choose to do nothing. If you receive an email in 5 months or 5 years, don’t open it. Forward it to one of your real friends. You know who they are. They are the ones that can’t stand your ex and never share any information with you they may have heard through the grape-vine about your ex because they care about you and know that staying in the know about your ex’s life will harm you more than help you. Let your friend decide if there is anything in the email you must be aware of, chances are there won’t be. Do the same should you receive any form of ex- N snail mail.

CLEAR YOUR HOME OF ALL REMINDERS:

Now, that you have cyber-erased your ex from your life, it’s time to clear your home of any reminders. Go through each room and put every picture or memento you have in a box and drive that box to the nearest dump or better yet, invite your friends over for a ceremonial bond-fire. Remember, the relationship is Stover, no use holding on to anything that you will never need. If there is an item that you just can’t bear to part with at the moment, put it in a box and give it to one of your real friends to hold on to for you.

MUTUAL FRIENDS:

Now it’s time to prepare for the possibility of running into mutual friends or worse, your ex. The best way to do this is to avoid going to places where you might end up bumping into your ex or your any mutual friends. Sounds simple enough. But with that said, you have every right to live your life, so if you happen to bump into mutual friends, don’t mention your ex, don’t ask about your ex, don’t even utter their name. If your mutual friends bring up the subject of your ex up or try to pump you for information, just politely change the subject. They will get the hint.

If you run into your ex, remember this relationship is Stover for a reason, probably for hundreds of reasons. This is not the run of the mill typical break-up with an emotionally healthy person. Healthy people never mention their break-up on social media much less show up in pictures with their new soulmate within weeks of breaking up. You don’t need a therapist or psychiatrists to officially diagnose your ex with a personality disorder for proof. If you landed on this site, or any site about narcissism, then that’s all the proof you need that your ex is toxic and no good will ever come from maintaining an open door of contact with them. You don’t owe them anything! Not a hello, not a hi, not a hey, not eye-contact, or a disingenuous smile, nothing!

If you want to “heal it, you have to seal it,” so take that big red stamp and officially declare the relationship- STOVER- So Totally OVER!

breeheadshot1Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based Licensed psychotherapist (LCSW) who believes “relationships are the currency of life”. She’s dedicated to helping people heal from break ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.

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Similar articles that may interest you are:

The Chemistry of Love & Narcissism

The “Good” in “Goodbye”

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162 thoughts on “How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist

  1. Great article. I hoped I was on the right path and now I know I am!! After 12 years of emotional and physical abuse I walked out, again but for the last damn time! The bruises on my face lasted 3 weeks. But when I left I never looked back! I have gone Stover! It feels so empowering to be free,ihave no emotions left for him whatsoever, zilch. I went into hiding, got a new job. I deleted and blocked him, his family and friends on Facebook, I got a new phone number. This week he texted my best friend and my daughter too on the same night. Supposedly wanting them to tell me he loves me, sorry he hurt me etc. And that he was overdosing on 3 beers and some nyquil. Typically in the past it would have brought me running back to him. But no more! I didn’t respond and they told him to grow up move on!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Apparently they threaten suicide and we run back. But now I know they won’t commit suicide. Why would they. They know their other supplies will stroke his ego. Hey if I refuse to he has another one to.

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  2. My issue, and not sure you are still monitoring comments on this blog, but worth a shot – I’m one day down from shutting out my emotionally abusive, narcissist boyfriend of six years. He’s realizing that he’s losing control and sending me tons of emails (I blocked him on my phone and he had previously blocked me on facebook) about how sorry he was to have hurt me, and that he wants to be with me forever, and ever, etc. and just tearing at my heartstrings. How do I stay strong when he’s trying to enter back into that “honeymoon period” where I feel like everything would be rosy?

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    1. It’s really important to completely block all avenues where he will be able to contact you. Delete your email account and start another one if you have to. Vow to yourself to not read anything he sends. Remember words mean nothing. You have to make decisions based on his actions and his pattern of behavior which I’m guessing is not a pattern you want to return to. Stover is really a frame of mind. It’s a commitment to a toxic free life and requires complete and total disconnection. Good luck. Xx

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    2. Hi Emily,

      The best way to stay strong is to remind yourself that everything he is telling you is a lie. To remind yourself that he is not capable of truly loving you in the way you and I define love. You are just his “supply” and he is upset about loosing that fix. When you have the power of that knowledge then there is nothing in his texts or e-mails that can get to you. Also notice how he goes from nice to angry, he says what he thinks you want him to say and gets angry only because that does not work and it is taking him longer this time to get his fix back. The way to deal with the angry texts are to remind yourself that everything he is accusing you of is the exact thing that he is currently getting up to while he is waiting for you to return to him. Another reminder will be that the honeymoon period will not last long and in fact if you look back you will notice how each time it gets shorter and shorter. This is because every time you go back to him you give him more power over you and in his mind he is thinking of ways to make you “pay” for daring to leave him.
      Stay strong Emily, you are worth so much more than what you are going through now.

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    3. For me I had to go back 3 or 4 times and get burnt again. What I learned is they never change. No matter how many sorry I got, tears he cried and pleading he did he never changed. As soon as I found out about another one of his lies, manipulations, something he stole or things he’s said about me behind my back his true colors would come out. Nothing is ever his fault. He could murder me and in his eyes it wouldn’t be his fault. Then comes the anger towards me and telling me that all I do is find things to argue with him about and I just can’t be happy without arguing with him. And trust me the things that he has done are malicious and devastating to say the least. They downplay everything and we are supposed to just forget everything happened just bc they say they are sorry. There is never any action in their sorrys. They don’t have to be accountable or have consequences. If you think you are with a narc try bringing up something that he has done to hurt you and give him facts and don’t back down and watch the show. This time around I’m only one day into no contact and I understand exactly where you are. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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      1. Hello Heather!

        What you said here is oh so very true!!!!

        I have gone through the exact same thing and for nine years! I went back to him many times and nothing ever changed. When he wasn’t being his “nice” self to me, he was extremely cold and cruel. The worst part for me, was (as you mentioned) the blame. Being blamed for all of the narcs heinous words and actions against you. They don’t take responsibility for any of their actions and blame their mate for everything that they do.It’s good when you can actually laugh at the ridiculousness of these egomaniacs and their antics! I left for the final time, six weeks ago. It’s because, for about the sixth time in a row, he flew into a narcissistic rage over something very minute, and ordered me out of the house. As in “if you don’t like it, you can just leave………………..and don’t come back EVER again”!!!!! So, I immediately left. Who am I not to follow the narcs orders? However, he immediately regrets it and tries to backpedal. This has happened several times throughout the relationship. I have gone no contact. it has now been six weeks. It’s the first time I have not responded to his pleading texts. Feels great! To leave with you dignity and power in tact is priceless. After nine years, it is over for good. Yes, I still have love for him remembering the good times and our history together. However, his dark side nearly destroyed my sanity. I deserve better. Next time around, I am going to choose a very kind man. I plan to marry again (I am now 52.) I want to marry and live out the rest of my life with a gentle and kind man who truly loves me and cares about my feelings. I wish you the best, Heather. In the beginning, no contact is hard. After awhile it gets easier. Ignoring their texts is THRILLING!!!!!! It gives you a new lease on life, knowing that you do not have to be manipulated anymore. I really wish you the best. I’m sure you are a great woman and you will also find the man of your dreams one day, who will hold your heart gently in his hands and treasure it.

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    4. I noted u stated he d Contact u apologizing he hurt u. My narc ex was the opposite. He was never wrong I was always the bad one I was always the one who loves to create fight. Many tkmes he asked me to keep quiet and take it as is ( his fake love ) and to let us have fun. While I knew behind my back he was visiting his other supplies. So obviously I d fight him ! And he d twist it around ! Oh that was emotional abuse to the highest level ! Thank god I took back control of my life and decided to end it instead of his repeated discard and devalue behavior !

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    5. Emily ,what Bree says is possible. I made a commitment to not ever be with a toxic person. But I got there by first starting to love myself and knowing my self worth ! I also got to that point by searching online for help as a narcs victim . U ll get there. Change the frame of mind is exactly what I did. I vouch I am ever so happy and feel like a huge burden is off me ! I don’t have to see myself stressing about his whereabouts ,knowing v well he was lying on and on and on yet yell on top of his lungs to defend his lies. OMG who d want to deal with this. I caused many differnt tupe of illnesses (which I am still struggling with some issues ) but I get by reminding myself how brave I was and still am to
      Have ended it. Finally I showed him I decide my life ,he doesn’t ! He thought I was kidding so he continued to stalk me and thought he could use money and sex as a bait. I didn’t fall for his tricks. I was thinking about saving my sanity !

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  3. This article makes perfect sense, me and my ex have broke up and got back together 7 times in almost 2 years. She always blames the entire relationship to me and when she comes home she acts like its on me to fix everything. Each time the relationship got more toxic and she was quicker to act out again, this time she went so far as to threaten physical harm to me. Well long story short I just got done blocking her email where it just deletes her email, blocked her number where I can never see her calls, and block her on facebook. Man it gives your mind so much peace knowing they have no way to reach you and contact you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is so spot-on. Thank you. While I’m not in a romantic relationship with an N, there’s one in my volunteer group. It’s been an ongoing problem for years now but no one wants to be “the bad guy” and remove the N from the group, even though we waste a ton of time and emotional energy dealing with this person’s recurrent machinations, politics, and back-stabbing.

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  5. Thankyou for your great articles, they have helped me understand what I am dealing with. Unfortunately I cannot go STOVER as we share a child, he has in the past threatened that he will have custody of her if we broke up.

    I broke up with him last week and he surprisingly agreed and moved out very quickly where normally he would be resisting and sucking me back in. He has told his family etc. that it was his choice to leave as “he could not take living with me anymore…!” At the moment he is being surprisingly nice and reasonable and offering way more child support than I suggested.

    I am so worried he will turn things around on me, backed up by his family etc. so that I am the bad guy and somehow take our daughter from me! This is irrational as I know in my logical mind that he cannot do this but it is still a fear from the threats he has previously made and how vindictive I know he can be.

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  6. Narcissism isn’t a sickness, it’s a personality disorder. A character defect that is characterized by a lack of empathy and guilt. An exaggerated sense of entitlement and a highly interpersonally, exploitive nature.
    If you have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s abuse then you would understand how very sadistic and intentional the expression of these traits are.
    If you have ever been very upset, for example, and were crying and your partner or supposed loved one mocked you and took the phone and began to tape record you instead of consoling and showing you compassion, then you would understand why narcissists are viewed as non humans, psychos and soul less. This is just one all to common example of narcissistic abuse.
    This site is written for and geared toward survivors of narcissistic abuse. It wasn’t created with the intention to break narcissists down or even be read by narcissists.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow I thank God for u gal, I’ve been in a relationship with a Narc for almost ten years we have 2 kids together and one morning he just up and left us bcoz I was not taking care of him the way he wanted me to. He moved in with a older woman who had her own house, cars and money and blamed me for the break up bcoz this new woman cooked and cleaned After him something that he wanted me to do and I didnt. He came back after a year telling me that he wanted his family back and that he feels bad for abondaning his kids and I took him back and that lasted for a few hours coz I realized he was still living with the new woman, that was earlier this year in April and he came back again last week, this time he’s telling me the new lover who is ten years older that him told him that they have no future together bcoz he will leave her for some1 younger than her so we should take things slow bcoz he has not left her yet he needs time to create some kind of a conflict so that he can be able to dump her and come back to me. So we slept together that night so he did not go home to her we spent the night together and he said this will break them up with her. We both went to work later I contacted him and he did not respond so I realized he must have gone back to her. I feel sorry for his new victim bcoz now I know what I’m dealing with and I also gave him the no contact rule and I understand how he works now and I’m done w8th his game. Thank u so much for encouraging us God bless u.

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  7. I dated a narcissist for 11 yrs. I didn’t know at the time what was happening. I was separated he just got divorced went through another relationship . He sucked me in with his emotions. I could write a book. He showed so much attention . Bought me a diamond ring a few weeks later. When I met him I had such a free spirit. I was happy dispite what was going on in my life . I actually I could of worked it out with my husband of 20 yrs . After one month jeleousy set in he would come to my school every day bring me lunch . He didn’t like any of my friends. He didn’t want me to talk to my daughter on the phone when I was with him. He sent the cops to my house one night . I didn’t answer the door . He became abusive in no time. Shoving me keeping me up all night when I tried to sleep. Always thought I was still in love with my husband I still didn’t divorce . He actually came in my house one night checked all the closets and said where is he where is he. He was passive aggressive it only got worse every thing I read in these articles I have experienced . His bad childhood being abandoned . I don’t think he has ever been faithful . He left me when my mom was dying. . Told me I wasn’t nurturing the relationship. I had an operation I felt him backing away when I needed him the most . He never admitted he had another woman . I had to ask him aunt to talk to his mom to tell me and he did. Blew me off like that . I’m so damaged now I can’t even date . He has no issues with that. I feel sorry for the new girl she’s not going to know what hit her .

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  8. I changed the Ex’s contact info on my phone to Asshole Co@&sucker Fu@&face Shitstain hateful turdball. His adress is Hell. Then I put my phone on voice notification so whenever he would text or call I got a good laugh. There were a few times that groupd of my people all laughed with me. It was awesome. It’s been over 2 months of no contact and I can feel the lightness of being free grow stronger every day. He is disappearing. Yes!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Going through the exact same thing. The discard took all of 10 minutes to end the 7 year relationship from hell. It gives them a feeling of more power. They know what it does to us. Have no illusion about that. After 5 months of this, the teary emails, the wanting of closure and nothing in return except for a response of “if you want to get laid, I’m in” . I’ve come to the conclusion that getting my life back, being happy and with good friends is the best revenge. You’re not worthless. Not by a long shot. There is no human that has ‘worth’ to them once they’ve used all they can from you. They will continue this pattern for as long as they live.

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      1. omg I can so relate….mine said the same thing : we’re over but I still want to F^&K you though…..MOFO’ers…..they are damaged goods. Mine had an abandoned childhood. Was put in an orphanage when he was little in his country and has never developed fully ever since. NOw, why he went into an orphanage I do not know. He would rarely bring up the topic and if I did approach to he would shut me down. THey have put up big walls to protect against any future hurt which is why they hurt their victims. they are predators and just vile malevolent ppl. Wishing you strength on your journey of STOVER and putting this relationship from hell behind all of US. Peace.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Lisa, the fact that he hasn’t tried to contact you is actually a big blessing. Contact is in no way a sign of caring or affection. It has nothing to with you and is not a reflection of your worth. Most will contact at some point- even 10 years later. Some do not. Whether they contact or not has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Even when they don’t contact, they all keep tabs on their previous victims through cyber stalking etc…. Just ask @narcissist_me on Twitter. XxBree

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My ex doesn’t use any social media websites. He told me it was because he was a private person. I know now of course that it was to protect his identity and allow him to dupe me and to carry on living his narcopathic life. I managed to make contact with the lady he lived with for 14 years before I met him and was horrified to hear how he had treated her and the emotional and physical abuse he had subjected her to, the way he ground her down and destroyed her confidence, the affairs he had, sleeping with his other women in their bed, causing her to have a heart attack because of all the stress he caused her. She was able to tell me that at the time I thought I was his one and only, he was seeing at least three other women at the same time … He was able to get away with it because ours was a long distance relationship and I believed everything he told me about not being able to get away due to work commitments (he told me he had two jobs, one of which was as a volunteer fireman, but he’d actually quit that job two months before he met me, but said he was still doing it) but if I could please be patient, things would get better as I was the love of his life and his soulmate and he’d never expected to find me … I went on the pill for this man – he actually thanked me for doing this, and he slept with me knowing he was having sex with other women, whether he used protection or not I don’t know, but it makes me feel so sick that he’d have so little regard for my wellbeing and safety … I guess I became a liability when I started asking awkward questions. However, he kept me dangling on a piece of string for three torturous months where he only allowed me to see him twice, barely kept in touch by texting and told me he he was being treated for skin cancer. I was worried sick but he would not let me help. I sent him a gift but was informed by the company I ordered it from that they could not deliver it as he did not live at the address I’d given them. It was then I found out that he’d moved from that address six months before … He’d given me some story about how I could not stay over with him if I drove down to see him because of problems with his landlord but that he would be moving and when he did, I could stay with him at the new place. Turns out he’d been in the new place for months and not told me. When I confronted him (not face to face, but on the phone) and asked him to explain, he simply said “Goodbye Lisa, I’ll return the key to your house”, and that was that – brutal, swift, without mercy. I could not cope and tried to take my own life. This happened in December 2014 and now, in May 2016 I still feel completely wretched and unable to move on. I contacted him again in April 2015 to ask him to please tell me what on earth I’d done wrong and that if he’d ever felt anything for me he’d give me closure so I could try and recover. His response was “at least you have a chance to recover … I don’t.” In other words, his skin cancer for which he was still receiving treatment was terminal. I was utterly distraught and carried that round in my head and heart until April this year when I spoke to his ex-partner who said at the time he was telling me he was dying, he was actually moving in with his new girlfriend and has the most wonderful tan from all his foreign holidays. She went on to say he still contacts her, asking her to get back together with him and that once, when she told him she was seeing someone else to get him off her back, he turned up at her house within ten minutes, kicking the door in. She says she responds to any contact he sends now just to “keep the peace”. I actually feel jealous … God forgive me for saying it, but I do – why not me? I gave my all to this man, he told me we had a future, that he wanted to marry me, that we were going to have such a wonderful life. I know I should be thanking God for a lucky escape but all I feel is totally heartbroken and in such despair I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again. How do I stop feeling like this? It’s been months and months and I can’t take it much more.

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        1. Lisa, if you would like to join a private FB support group I co-admin. Send me a friend request to Bree Bonchay, LCSW with a private message expressing your interest and I will give the details. I think you will find it helpful.

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    3. i’m in the same boat as you; that’s because I was always the one to cave first and reach out…BUT NOT THIS TIME……it’s been since sunday since we spoke so going on 5 days. They are emotional vampires……………..if they don’t reach out it’s because they are so embarrassed that we took off their mask and revealed them for what they are: an empty shell. Keep your head HIGH..he is not worth your time and energy…FOCUS ON moving on and letting go. Hope this helped you to realize you are not alone. they preyed on us because we are genuinely nurturing kind individuals. they have a place in HELL waiting for them.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Lisa, it has been the same for me and yes, it does bring a sense of worthlessness initially, but in hindsight, I realize, he knows my strength, I challenged the BS before I walked out his door, in a sane, rational and matter of fact way. I saw a light in his eyes dim when I did…..he knew I was going forever….and I believe he knew with certainty I was no longer a potential supply for him. That isn’t an insult, it is a compliment of the strength we have within. Hugs.

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  9. I am the youngest of 4 and i was raised by a narcissist, physically abusive father. He abused everyone in my house but was “stopped” by me when he hit me and I called the cops. He is still abusive but thinks twice before physically assaulting anyone. Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with a narcissist that physically abused me too and assaulted me even in front of his mother and family more than once. I fell pregnant by him and he left me for another woman whom he engaged, impregnated and assaulted like me. He then came back and we continued where we left off and he has since slapped me once and never will again. I have blocked him on social media and I never wanna go back. I pray that I don’t relapse but God is with me as he is with all of you. Take care

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  10. Bree do you do any lectures? I’m on the east coast. I’m less than 2 weeks out of an engagement, and 4 year relationship with a narcissist who interestingly is an LCSW so he’s quite masterful at his game using all sorts of DSM diagnosis and jargon to tear me down. I’m in counseling and ordered your book last night but I feel extremely anxious so I’m trying to educate myself and do everything in my power to move forward. It’s been humiliating and heartbreaking. Other than the question about lecture circuit, would you mind commenting on why it is that I’m perseverating on him being with someone else? I found your site last night and can’t thank you enough for helping all of us. Honestly, thank you.

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  11. I have been trying to educate myself on Narcissism the past few months, I have always known about the Grandiose type, but was unaware of the quiet, sneaky type. What I am not reading anywhere is this: Did any of you feel there was no deep connection with your Narc? I felt that with mine, but thwarted that notion of as to believing he was blocking his emotions, due to a previous difficult break up. He would say he loved me, but I never felt like he did, anyone have this?
    He also did not like sex?

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  12. I agree with no contact and dispelling toxic people, and I like the encouragement to weed out toxic people and that it should get easier with practice.

    I do not agree that you need to clear your house of all stuff that reminds you of them. For example, I am a photographer and I took many portraits of my ex narcissistic gf. I am printing up an album for her, that is my closure. After that I will seal up her film negatives binder.

    Their problem is nsrcissists cannot love themselves. They dissappointed you, broke your heart. They did not murder. The did not rape. Etc. For that I would suggest throw all their stuff out. You had some good times with narcissist and loved them, and they loved you as best they could.

    But yes, it seems they do hurt you worse each time you take them back. They are intent on not letting anyone close to them to hurt them as they were hurt in childhood or past life. Just love them from distance and ket them know you are doing so. Just be nice and let them know that you will always love them, but that you cant hang out with them anymore.

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  13. Thank you soo much for the advice.I broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend a month ago.I have decided to use a no contact approach ,blocked his calls and I am also not replying to any of his messages.What makes the break up painful is that my ex is my neighbour and with in two weeks after the break up he has moved on with his new girlfrind.I am not sure if I should move ,I love my house and I also realize that I am not dealing with a normal person.
    I wish it did not pain soo much ,but it does and at the same time I am glad it is over.

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  14. Great article. I actually received some very good advice from my attorney. If you can be ok without any social media , that would be the best solution. I changed my phone no, my email address and since I never was on Facebook etc. it was very beneficial. I went totally no contact. None whatsoever. I am 3 years of no contact now. Divorced for 2 years after 20 years of being married to a narcissist. I caught him cheating with a co worker who is also a police officer. He showed no remorse,no empathy, nothing and just abandoned his family. I had it. I hired the best attorney I could find and I put an end to it. Best decision I ever made. I live a happy, peaceful life no. No more tears for me. I am so blessed. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

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  15. My sociopath sister and I were never facebook friends, but she did “friend” my two adult kids. Once we got wise to her sociopathic tactics my daughter unfriended her. One brother of mine is my sister’s minion, and so he let her use his name to open a new facebook page as her spying/catfish account. So “he” (my sister) sent friend requests to me and both my kids, and we all accepted, thinking it was my brother we were “friending”. I was surprised to get a new friend request from “him” since I was already facebook friends with him on his original account. My sister-in-law who is wise to my sociopath sister too, contacted me because she got friend requests from my both sister and “him” at the very same time, and she was also already friends with him on facebook. She strongly suspected “his” new account was actually my sister using my brother’s name. But she felt obligated to accept the friend request as well. So a couple years later I notice NOTHING had been posted on “his” (my sister’s spoof account) in three years. This was a big red flag. Then one day out of the blue my brother unfriended me on his original facebook account – I assume it was as a result of a dispute within our family over an heirloom that was raffled off that my daughter had won. Soon after this I noticed “he” (my sister’s spoof account) was friends with me and both my kids! I knew he didn’t like my kids or me, so there would be no reason for him to “friend” us on facebook. So we realized we were being spoofed and spied upon by my sister and all four of us – me, my 2 kids and my SIL all unfriended “him” at the same time. Haven’t heard a word about it. It’s not like my sociopath sister can ask around why we all unfriended “him”. And my brother obviously doesn’t use that account so doesn’t even know what she has been up to. I detail all of this to illustrate how a determined and marginally tech-savvy sociopath can worm their way into your life without your even knowing it, so beware!! This same sister also blocked my daughter and me on facebook, but turned around and told our mother that I had blocked HER on facebook and email. (She used that as her excuse for not being able to communicate with me). I wasn’t too surprised when my mother told me this and I set her straight that it was my sister that had blocked ME on facebook, and not the other way around. Always twisting the truth to make the scapegoat look bad. It works pretty well for my sister, I must say. Constant battle to defend myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This was so helpful. My question and heartache these days though is less about questioning why I wasn’t good enough and his new gf is but more about questioning why he gets everything/everyone he wants and I’m left feeling empty and rejected. From what I’ve seen he now has a new gf, is connected to her entire family on FB, including his son and her son being ‘friends’ when with me he wouldn’t even answer his phone when his kids were around or meet my family. He even is now connected on FB to his ex-wife and all of her friends who I came after and apparently they all hated him for the way he cheated on and treated her (I was oblivious to it as he told me that he was already divorced when we met despite not being so at all). I understand and want to believe (not wishing harm on her innocent self) that his mask will eventually fall off for her and she will experience a lot of the same lies and manipulation that I went through but I am just so upset that it doesn’t seem to be the case or likely anymore but rather everything is turning out so perfectly for him with the new gf and his relationship with ex wife, kids and her family and friends. Not fair.

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    1. He will do to her what he did to you, that’s what narcs do. It helps to remember that narcs are never actually happy- they’re excited when they have new prey, but it doesn’t last. They cannot feel the wonderful emotions that make us human- love, joy, compassion. They are empty inside, perpetually miserable, nothing is ever good enough for them and they always bored, angry and full of fear. Sucks to be them, this is a case where it’s much better to be a nail than be a hammer. We may be hurt, damaged, crushed by these monsters, but we can recover. They can never, ever change.

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      1. Very true. They will never get better. There is no therapy, counseling , medications etc to help them. They will never sympathy or compassion or love. That’s why it is easy for them to discard entire families. They just go on to a new supplier of “ego kibbles”. Often this new person is younger or more attractive looking. But at one point they will be old and maybe not so charming and attractive anymore. They are miserable evil beings. Their time will eventually come and it won’t be pretty. That’s for sure. My advice is. Cut off all contact and stay of all social websites.

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        1. I was trying to break up with Dracula, being with him was literally killing me, I gave him an ultimatum and made him go to couples counseling, not that I actually thought the problems could be fixed but because I thought the counselor could help us end the relationship in a civil and mature way. Well no narc is gonna have THAT, they gotta have drama and make things as ugly as possible.
          He had started love bombing me again in early December after I told him I needed to have heart surgery, he promised to be by my side, he was all Mt Wonderful again ( I was verrrry suspicious). We had a lovely xmas together, then he called me right after xmas and said he wanted to come over and talk, he thought I was right, we should probably break up. I told him there was no need to come over, we’re done, and hung up on him. I was furious because he had played me once again, but so happy I finally had a way out. He went nuts, texting calling, even showed up at my house, I wouldn’t talk to him or see him.
          After I changed the locks, put his stuff in the hallway & he picked it up, I confronted him and told him I knew he was up to something because he was texting someone all the time. He lied & denied, I just ignored him and he finally confessed that at a dance show I performed in on December 12, he had gotten the phone number of a woman who sat next to him and was texting her and meeting up with her. They showed up holding hands at an event he and I always went to together two weeks after the breakup. I wasn’t there, thank god.
          She’s 20 years younger, but I don’t think better looking, I actually met her at the show and was so unimpressed I don’t even remember what she looks like.
          So the prize she won is a 63 year old narcopath who looks years older, is an absolute nightmare once the charm wears off, is a total cheapskate, severe erectile dysfunction to the point even Viagra doesn’t work, probably because he doesn’t even like touching women much less having sex with them, and is falling apart, needs both knees replaced and other surgeries. He’s so high maintenance the stress of dealing with him actually damaged my heart, I developed atrial fibrillation and had heart surgery after the breakup, thank god I didn’t have him by my side whining and making it all about him.
          I was angry because he intentionally did the most humiliating thing he could come up with to get back at me for wanting out of the relationship and because she knew but once I calmed down I realized that this poor woman unintentionally did me a huge favor. I kinda feel sorry for her, I think he’ll totally destroy her. But since she is a friend of someone in my dance troupe and I was introduced to her as his girlfriend but went ahead and slipped him her phone number, it’s a little hard for me to have much empathy for her.

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  17. If you made it to this site, you’re not crazy. Someone is abusing the hell out of you. I say that because the narcissist will never validate your concerns. They rarely admit fault and their apologies are only meant to give you a temporary sense of normalcy before they smash through your boundaries once again. Go STOVER or go insane.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Your website and in particular, this post, saved my life! I’ve been stover for about a month now and can’t thank you enough! Whenever I feel like I miss him and his chaos (trauma bonding) – I just re-read every blog post to switch my thoughts from his brainwashing to reality. Because of bloggers such as yourself, I feel like I have a chance of breaking the curse that has left me in 3 abusive relationships during my adulthood. I will be buying your book when I get paid tomorrow.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Great article, good to know I’m doing it right. When I broke up with narchole I deleted all photos of him or the two of us from FB, removed all comments we had made on each others pages, then blocked him on FB, youtube & Google+. I blocked his phone number on my iPhone & blocked both of his email addresses. Packed his stuff, put it in the hallway, changed ,my apartment door lock and told him to come and get it when I wouldn’t be home. Sent a note to his enabler friends on FB which was nicer than they deserve saying it was nice knowing them ( mostly it wasn’t) and that I had to let go of their friendship because of the breakup. No one was even slightly surprised, he had started the smear campaign a couple of months before. Then I blocked all of them on FB, phone, email & Instagram.
    I gathered up all the fake love poems he wrote me, cards he made me and put them in a box in my basement. Gave away the gifts he’d given me. Then I went to work on ME, and putting my life that the vampire had so disrupted back together. And I found that even though he tried to destroy me, he totally failed. I came out of this a stronger, better person and finally found real happiness in my life.
    Just a couple weeks ago I realized I’d gotten to busy I’d left some things undone. I took the books he’d given me for xmas, cut out the page with fake love lies he’d written, burned those and then saged the books. After I read them I’ll give them away. I went though my computer, all the photos of him, photos of us together, went to the trash. Ditto the folder full of our emails. And I found a folder full of little movies he used to make of himself and send to me. I watched a couple and though “What on earth was I thinking?” and laughed, then trashed the folder. Then I made a poppet of him, did a banishing spell to protect myself from him and then threw the poppet in the East River.
    Then only loose thread is that I cannot find the box with the cards and love poems. But as I clear junk out of the basement, I’ll find it and will burn them all.

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  20. I stumbled upon this article and greatly appreciate it! My narcopath is a co-worker. Any advice for going Stover while still having to work together?!?!?

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  21. Bree
    Good directives all around. What helped me the most was to know we aren’t coparenting and with a Narc, it isn’t even possible! We parallel parent, that is when he is even around. I cannot completely ignore emails because he likes to wrap business into emotional attack emails, but I have been dealing with it for 8 years now and have it down to a science. Now I can laugh off all of it…the emotional blackmail, the manipulations, and the attacks. Anyone who is reading this article and comments, just know it gets better and easier!

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  22. I enjoyed reading this artical but what if the
    narcassist it your own child? Its easier to detach from a non family and go Stover how do you do this when your the parent? Its not easy at all! Disingageing is the best I can do
    because you still love them!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. That is all good…. unfortunately i have 2 kids with him. I do not answer any text messages unless it has to do with the kids and it is only a yes or no answer nothing more. Phone calls go straight to voice mail.
    My marriage is over and I never every want him back….i wish he would get that…… one day at a time.

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  24. This article opened my eyes for real coz I use to ask why is God blessing this man instead of me, I’m the one whose been cheated on and dumped and here I was struggling emotionally and physically coz he sucked the life out of me and left me for another woman and moved in with her. I understand now how his mind works and how the universe responds to his high levels of vibrations, u see even the universe is fooled by him bcoz even though he treated me like crap in his mind he did nothing wrong bcoz he is looking out for only hims3lf and if he does not get what he wants from you which is the supply u give him by boosting his ego, by worshiping the ground he walks on, he moves on just like that bcoz he feels he deserve the best and he makes sure he gets it so he puts out this persona that he is the best thing that he could happen to a woman so he deserves the best in return and the universe responds positively with his vibrations. Its crazy isn’t it? You on the other hand are left angry, lost and u feel ashamed and u blame yourself coz u see his life is going so well and u still in this deep dark hole and u just can’t breath and once u start feeling worthless and angry u attract all the bad stuff, another narcissist biyfrnd and things start to go wrong for you bcoz of your low vibrating energy levels and u even plan to take your own life bcoz u really blv that u were the problem in the relationship and to prove all that he is living the good life and u, u still angry and struggling. God is punishing my ex already bcoz he will never b in a stable relationship bcoz he is a weak man, if he can get his supply he has to go look for it done where else and thats bad. So ladies and gents stay strong u will be able to resist them just trust God and he will reveal a way for u to move on and never look back again. Wish u all the best guys.

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  25. I’m feeling a little guilty. When my Narc started triangulating me, I recognized that I was in a confusing, anxiety-ridden, failure of a almost eight month relationship with a man I did not know was a Narc at the time, but I knew he was bad news, and I knew what once was a blissful relationship now left me filled with everything negative and no happiness. I waited until I knew he was leaving the country for business, but I knew he would be with friends who would take care of him. I also knew he was returning the following week for surgery and would be tied up for a couple of weeks recovering. I chose two days before he left on his trip to break up and block him on social media and phone and email. Here, this is described as behaviour of a Narc, but I did it to make a clean, quick cut at a time he could not concentrate all his energy on me. I have not heard from him, but when I broke it off, so much negative energy drained out of me.

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  26. I am still applying Stover to my life. When I was a stay-at-home mom while I was with him it was difficult. I hated to ask him for money but, he seemed to enjoy being the only provider so, I sucked it up because it made him happy. Everything was going pretty well, I moved in with him, in a town I did not know a soul other than his parents. Since he purchased a foreclosed home, a lot of work was necessary to truly make the house a home. So I spent the first three years of our relationship busying myself with working on the house from paint, wiring and replacing the flooring. Our conversations always revolved his interests, his work or big dreams of winning the lottery. In the beginning he would eat just about anything I cooked towards the end he would choose to eat something else. Then started the hiding of the laptop…locking his phone…..spending more and more time on his phone, lap top and TV…yes all three at the same time. Putting me and my son out in the cold for any kind of emotional connection.

    Things were fine as long as I was a prisoner in the house. It was a night and day change the moment I started working out, going to school, making my own friends and finally landing a job. Once I had these things in place, it wasn’t long before everything ended. He wanted us to still share the same bed while we were no longer a couple. I was stuck in that house with him until i was able to leave, I wanted to wait for my child to finish off his school year. The relationship always kept me so on edge, I never knew what I was going to say or do wrong that would anger him. At first he was happy with the choices I made with the colors in the house, as soon as he called it off he started stating how much he hated this color and that color. He would say that he still loved me and if I knew all the things that were being said about me behind my back and how much he stood up for me, he would truly see how much he still loved me.

    About three months after the split, he sent me a message wanting to take my son out of state with his son to go on vacation. I thought about it hard, he was the first “dad” my child had and we were together for 5 years. I trusted my gut and refused to let my son go. Stating that I was not comfortable with the idea and neither was my family. His response was to belittle me and tell me if I ever made contact with him that he would ruin my reputation and send my parents messages and pictures, which would explain why he called it off. Fast forward about three more months, and we (my son and myself) ran into him at a local fair. This fair mind you , is about 100 miles away from where he lives. He was there with his son and his new girlfriend…or victim. I did not see him until I practically walker all over him. Of course my son was happy to see him, me on the other hand, no so much. I immediately felt fear and anger when I laid eyes on him. I focused on getting in line for the next ride, he asked me if I wanted to talk and I told him I was more interested in getting inline for the next ride. I was very proud of myself for not talking to him, I knew in my heart nothing good would come of it. Later on that night he sent me a text message that was not really an apology…more of it was your fault that I sent it…you made me so angry…etc. Then he went on to say that he wanted to be friends and he wanted to be in my son’s life. Granted he has been the one putting forth the effort in maintaining any communication.

    I have not responded, instead I contacted my cell phone provider and permanently blocked his number and most of his friend’s numbers. He/they will not be able to call or text me and now i am looking into changing my email address, mainly trying to come up with an email address that is still professional in nature.

    I am not sure if I was dealing with a Narcissistic person or just a person who has issues with commitment and once the newness wears off on a person he tosses them aside for something shiny, not caring who gets hurt but, still expecting everyone whom he hurts, to think he is a great guy and should maintain friendship just because he is so great.

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  27. Wow! This is exactly what I did. Go Stover !it took many many years to come this far and I finally did where I don’t feel awful or guilty about breaking up with my narc ex. My mind is clear and I am stronger to even reject another guy (after ending with my narc ex )who had similar traits that of a narc. I told him I wasn’t interested ! I am away from toxic relationships and my self esteem is good and have more confidence and feel so much self worth

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  28. I did all these things instinctively. Had to change my cell phone number 3 times, email 2 times he finds it every time then rubs it in my face. when you have kids with a narcissist you are never free of their games. even 2 years later after 7 walk outs years of mental battering lies and manipulating I’m still putting up with it. one upping is the favorite game of a narcissist, I got myself a lovely boyfriend and he found out who he was, told me if I didn’t dump this guy he would chase after his ex wife, now he’s engaged to her, poor woman she has no idea what she’s in for. He has taken over my partners role as a father no doubt to poke a stick, told the police he threatens life and text messaged him non stop telling him to piss off back to his home country. If they can’t get to you they go through your kids, family, friends, employers, new partners it just doesn’t stop. Thank you for your article it was very reaffirming.

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  29. I’m a 69 and recently split up for the umpteenth time from my 48 year old partner. I met him when he was 40 and my life has been hell ever since. He rarely worked, he’s an alcoholic, has never contributed financially, smokes etc . But the worst thing that he did to me was to make me ashamed of my own behaviour by setting up sexual situations that he would control including 3rd parties. Without my knowledge, he would share intimate details of our sex life with people he’d met on the internet and then arrange for us to met them…… I’m ashamed that even though I didn’t want to be used like this, I went along with it to please him. I’m a survivor of child abuse and codependent. I’m now STOVER and thank you so much for this website.

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  30. THANK YOU!! I HAVE A HANDICAPPED, TOTALLY TOXIC NARC SISTER!! WITH TWO LOVELY KIDS. FLIRTING WITH MY HUSBAND !!
    STOVER, STOVER, STOVER, NO EMAILS, NO TELEPHONS ANY MORE, THANK YOU, I AM FREE AGAIN, I LOVE MYSELF, I WILL RECOVER!!! I DO NOT OWE HER EVEN AN EYECONTACT, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

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  31. I have been trying to “no contact” my narcissistic of 36 years. I have been learning about their control and I admit he knows how to play me. We have 2 grown children together and the problem is he has cancer. He is playing that card to death but I am struggling with him dying. I can’t be mean to him in his condition. He has a girlfriend but loves playing both of us. I am trying to stay neutral and distance myself from the situation but he cry to me about being scared and I’m the only one he wants to see him through this..advice please

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    1. Hello Tami.

      When you say that you have grown children with him, but he has a girlfriend now, i am assuming that the narcissistic man you are referring to is your ex husband. Yet you also say that he is “playing” both you and his current girlfriend. I am not sure if that means you still have some romantic involvement with him or not. At any rate, he is dying from cancer. He probably won’t be around much longer. The two of you have children together, so I’m sure there are some feelings on your part, even if they are no longer romantic feelings. At this point, it sounds like he feels very desperate, because of his declining condition. If he is “playing” both of you for attention and sympathy, it’s because that is all he has anymore. He is on his way out and the two of you women, as well as your grown kids, wlll go on living. It’s sad. If he treated anyone poorly because of his narcissism, i’m sure he is regretting it now. I think all you can do is show compassion and understanding now, because it’s not good to live with regrets.

      Like

    1. I no contact for over 3 years now. 2 years divorced. Let me tell you. The only thing that saved my sanity and my ability to go with my life is the no contact. I will never break it as long as I live. When you remove yourself out of the craziness he creates , away from the addiction to him you will find strength , power and hope you thought you never had. In my case i was devastated to find that my husband of almost 20 years was having many affairs behind my back. Mostly with female soldiers in his army unit ,later with co workers at his sheriffs deputy job. While he was in the army and deployed a lot it was easy for him to hide his affairs. But at one point I became a good investigator and I outsmarted him. That’s when he left the family. At first I was in shock. But now I take it the greatest compliment he ever made me. It was a compliment that I got to strong and powerful and too smart for him. My answer to all of his crap was no contact and a divorce petition. And also I hired an aggressive attorney to look out for my financial future. I was a gladiator and now I look back and see my ex as the biggest fool , idiot. What was he thinking ? They he cheats and lies and the leaves and gets away with it. Please I know I can’t hurt emotionally but I sure can hurt him financially and that’s exactly what I did. I thought at first I was the fool but in reality he is. And after all this time i laugh about it now. Stay strong and your no contact and you will have the victory. Believe me , I have been there. Was it easy ? Absolutely not but it was my only choice to regain my life back.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Kaya51, Perfect reply, I will continue no contact. Are you in a relationship? Please tell me, if it is ok with you, how that is going.

        For 11 years I truly loved this man but he is messed up and makes me pay over and over.

        Like

        1. M Doll
          No I am not in a relationship. At this point in my life I learned to love myself again , to accept who I am and not let the past and what happened to me define me as a person. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor. To get here I did not want a new relationship and I am perfectly content being single. Until I find a person who truly cherishes and respects and loves me I am ok this way. After the 20 years I am loving my life again. Not having to worry and doubt my spouses words and actions is a great feeling. You know a man who is capable to inflict so much pain on his wife and child has no place on my heart or in my life. You will be ok. It takes a long time to break the “addiction” but in the end it makes you much stronger. I don’t miss my ex , I don’t love him and I will never care about him or talk to him again. It is like a “book you read and then you put it your bookshelf and never look at it again”. Because it wasn’t a good book , in fact it was a book full of evil and hate. I wish you strength and power and resilience in your recovery. Stay strong in the no contact. It was my only and strongest weapon in my battle. Well besides my attorney.🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I unfriended him on Facebook, today. It was easy to do. This morning, on the mobile Facebook, the “mystery” woman show up on people to friend.

          I am not delusional, jealous, selfish, moron for asking him who this women is that came up to him up looking like she really really knew him, at an event this summer. The man protested too much.

          Recently, my friend said to me “if it smells rotten it is and if it is no good, it is.”

          The end finally happened. All these years, I could not picture life without him.

          Do you date?

          Like

  32. Hello i’m so grateful by your article. It did open my eyes. Well, i dated with a narc for a year. And i am so attached with him, until now im missing him and feel like he is the part of myself. i know this is very unhealthy and the fact that he’s a narc sometimes doesnt change the way i feel for him. I feel bad about myself because i still have these feeelings eventhough i broke up a year ago. Sometimes i feel bad about myself because i was so naiive and manipulated by his tactics. I cant forgive him and myself. can you show tips for me to detach emotionally from him? It makes me stressed out. I talked to therapist and she said “its okay and normal, time heals”. But please, its been a year.. or even more. I feel so stupid to think about him all the time. Eventhough i know he’s a narc i still have these feelings. I am so dumb, i hate myself. Thanks for your help

    Like

    1. Dear elisabeth,

      Please believe me when I tell you that I exactly know how you feel. I’m also quite sure that i’m not the first to tell you to let go, lock the door and throw the key to your heart away. I’ve been there and back repeatedly, 4 times, 13 years and two kids further.. Everytime you go back they respect you less and know they gained control. There are no answers, they are mentally handicapped, cannot be helped or made to understand how you feel, incapable, unwillingly, psychopaths.. Predators who prey on the weak, the willingly, the hopeful. Please do not fall in that trap, again. Let it go, meditate, stop wasting your energy. You’re beautifull and deserve better, they know that and do not want you to be happy, because they are incapable for having these feelings, they are empty.

      Read and learn about the subject so you’ll never have to fall for one again.

      Love, power and huggs

      Jeroen

      Like

  33. I also dated a narcisst for 9 months, he just caused a big fight and then discared me. I went no contact and he never ever tried to contact me. It has been 4 years. How come some never try to contact you at all??

    Like

  34. My wonderful ex not only was in a new relationship and had found the one two days after we broke up,he’s just taken her on the holiday we were supposed to be going on and plasters pictures of them all over facebook- what a poor excuse for a human being.

    Like

    1. Jane
      You should not check his Facebook page or any information about him . Keeping up on social websites is the same as still being in contact with him. My attorney advised me to stay away from social websites. It literally saved my sanity. Why check what he is up to or what photos he posts. When I filed for divorce and went no contact I stopped to see what he is up to. None of my business. You have to completely remove yourself in order to heal and recover. Nothing good will come out to see his new minions. For what ? I personally am very grateful for the new minion in my ex husbands life. She gave me the gift of freedom, peace and a new life. Without her I still would be the one he lies to and betrays. I don not care one bit if she is the new victim. She knew he was married when they started the affair. No do not care how he treats her or whatever. He is HER Problem now. Not mine.

      Like

  35. Hi, I have blocked him on my phone on facebook and every e-mail I know he knows about. So only problem is that he is able to reach me through others indirectly (and of course he still has my adress). How can I stop this? Should I tell those people if he contacts them they should not give away any information about me and keep mum about him contacting them?
    I really do not want to know anything about him anymore, I don’t even want to hear his name.

    Like

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