brainwash

Have you ever wondered how narcissists and sociopaths (narcopaths) are so highly skilled at control and manipulation tactics without ever having stepped foot in a psychology classroom? Were you ever curious how by some means they instinctively know how to take a smart, successful and happy person and methodically dismantle their self-worth and self-esteem to smithereens so covertly that the target is completely unaware that it’s even happening until it is too late? Have you said to yourself, “It’s like they all went to the same Jim Jones University of Narcopathy or they all must have read the same Narcopath For Dummies book?”

Narcopaths are innately born masters of the art of manipulation. They set their traps long before they are ever sprung. They deliberately ensnare their targets like skilled trappers catch prey. Once captured, the narcopath erodes the target’s self-esteem and self-worth with such insidious stealth as to make the target believe they are to blame and that they are the one who has disappointed the narcopath.

All narcopaths use a combination of classic brainwashing techniques, behavior modification methods and various forms of ambient abuse. The narcopath meticulously and systematically executes these tactics with the intuitiveness of a psychic and the savagery of a beast.

The 8 essential steps and requirements for successful brainwashing and covert manipulation are:

  1. Lack of remorse and guilt about causing emotional harm to the target.
  2. Lower the target’s guard through love bombing in the form of excessive showers of flattery, adoration and praise.
  3. Isolate the target.
  4. Camouflage the hidden agenda, intentions and manipulative behaviors.
  5. Uncover the psychological vulnerabilities of the target to determine what tactics are likely to be most effective.
  6. Expose the target to mixed messages by alternating love and kindness with cruelty and criticism.
  7. Manage the target down by creating an atmosphere of unpredictability and chaos which constantly keeps the target walking on egg shells.
  8. Erode the target’s identity using various forms of ambient abuse such as; guilt tripping, blame-shifting, projection, gas-lighting and triangulation.

STEP 1: A LACK OF REMORSE AND GUILT ABOUT CAUSING HARM TO THE TARGET

Due to childhood abuse or neglect or genetic predisposition, or most likely a combination of all three, narcopaths don’t experience emotions or think the same way as the rest of us. So from a very young age they learn to watch how people act in certain situations and imitate and mimic their behaviors. They become so talented at faking emotion that most fly completely under the radar and are never detected.

Since they are so detached from their feelings, they are able to observe people’s interactions and behaviors with the absolute clarity of neutrality. This provides them with unique insight into what manipulation tactics are more efficient and will provide a better result. Since they don’t experience feelings the way normal people do, they are able to manipulate and abuse people without the bothersome feelings of remorse or guilt.

STEPS 2 & 3: LOWER THE TARGET’S GUARD AND ISOLATE THE TARGET

During the idealization stage the narcopath uses love bombing as the trap to capture you and lower your guard. Love bombing, is actually a form of brain washing and primes you for complete and total domination. Since brainwashing is such an aggressive form of influence, it requires complete isolation. The narcopath having no outside interests, real friends or hobbies focuses all his/her energy and time on you. The narcopath spends every possible waking moment with you and becomes overly involved in your daily life and activities. Although the narcopath’s stage 5 cling-on behavior should raise red flags and send you running for the hills, their irresistible, seductive charm and constant adoration appeals to your ego and yearning for love and overrides your better judgement and instincts. Once this happens, the narcopath’s trap has been sprung and s/he delights in their own satisfaction as you willingly take the bait.

STEPS 4 & 5: DISGUISE THE HIDDEN AGENDA WHILE UNCOVERING THE TARGET’S PSYCHOLOGICAL VULNERABILITIES

The narcopath fakes interests in you and asks a lot of questions.  As you spill the beans about your dreams, goals, childhood and inner most thoughts, the narcopath assesses your vulnerabilities and insecurities that s/he will later use to manipulate you. The narcopath knows that the more they effectively can pinpoint your insecurities,  the more successful they will be at eroding your self-confidence and self-worth. Through the processes of idealization and isolation, you become dependent on the narcopath. You start spending less time with your friends and pursuing your outside interests and hobbies and your world becomes smaller and more isolated.

The narcopath most likely will not introduce you to his/her family or acquaintances at this stage. This is so the narcopath can completely control their false persona and avoid the risk having his/her cover blown and the effects of the “kool aid” they have been steadily serving you diluted by outside influences. The narcopath will disguise their intent to isolate you by making comments like, “I’m just so in love with you that I want to spend all my time with just you” or “I missed you all day while at work, can’t we just spend the evening together alone tonight?”.

During the idealization stage, the narcopath introduces another manipulation tactic called Operant Conditioning, a termed coined by behaviorist, B. F. Skinner. Operant conditioning is a behavior modification technique. The narcopath uses positive, continuous reinforcement (flattery, attention, love bombing) to reinforce the desired response (compliance and submission). The narcopath’s plan is to trap you with the lure of promises of eternal and everlasting love and lavish amounts of attention and adoration to fool you into believing s/he really loves you.

Positive reinforcement requires a lot of energy on the narcopath’s part, that’s why once they are certain you are sufficiently under the influence of their spell, they gradually start to withdraw the positive reinforcement. On the surface, the gradual withdrawal of the positive reinforcement that so effectively made you fall for them seems like a maneuver that is counterproductive to their goal, but actually it is exactly what reinforces their grip on you.

How is this so?

The problem with continuous positive reinforcement is that over time it loses its power and the desired outcome (total obedience) is prone to wane. For instance: if every day you open your front door and find flowers on your porch from your lover. Eventually, the novelty wears off and the flowers lose their value and have less of a positive effect on you. Now, if you receive flowers sporadically from your lover, then you are more likely to treasure them and value the gesture. If you know you will always be rewarded no matter what, the perceived value of the reward decreases and your motivation to obtain the reward diminishes. It’s just human nature.

STEP 6: EXPOSE THE TARGET TO SPORADIC REINFORCEMENT AND MIXED MESSAGES

The inauguration of the devaluation stage is characterized by a new form of conditioning called Intermittent Reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement not only reinforces the desired behavior but it guards against its extinction. The narcopath alternates acts of love and kindness with cruelty and criticisms. It has the same effect as a Las Vegas slot machine. When you pull the lever (or push the button) sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t. When the slot machine does pay off, you are more likely to revel in your winnings and the exhilaration of the pay-off, however little it might be. Ultimately, you will win now and again, but over the long run, you will lose.

The narcopath begins to set trivial rules and may demonstrate controlling behaviors. It can manifest itself in many ways. They could be jealous of your relationships with others, the time you spend on yourself or hobbies, the friendships you have, and the list goes on. You’ll be blamed for the narcopath’s behavior and accused of not loving him/her enough or of being a selfish partner. Slowly as you begin to relinquish control by giving in and complying with the narcopath’s demands for your undivided attention, the cycle of isolation, manipulation and control will escalate.

Not surprisingly, according to the research of B.F. Skinner, the most powerful way to reinforce a desired behavior is through applying the method of intermittent reinforcement. The narcopath’s mean/nice cycle starts off slow and innocuously. They gradually eliminate the showers of “love”, acts of kindness and adoration and replace them with bouts of nastiness and cruelty. The narcopath may start off making simple requests. The requests will always be followed up with “if you really love me you would do that for me” and “I would do that for you”.

The more you concede and change to accommodate the narcopath, the more s/he will up the ante and attempt to change you. But wait! You thought that the narcopath thought you were the perfect partner for them! At least that’s what s/he said in the beginning, right? What the narcopath once loved about you will no longer be satisfying enough from here on out. Your days of being their ideal partner are forever over. They are history. Done. Caput. Finished!

The mean/nice cycle or conditions you into submission. Since the atmosphere creates a state of fear, doubt and confusion, you start to feel the sharp edges of the egg shells under your feet. You never know what to expect since the rules seem to constantly change amidst the constant chaos intentionally created by the narcopath. You wonder what you have done to cause such a drastic change in the narcopath’s behavior. This is exactly what the narcopath has planned to get you to believe all along– the change in their behavior is all your fault.

The narcopath’s criticisms and demands are always cloaked in professions of love and only wanting the best for you or disguised as helpfulness. You instinctively work harder to please the narcopath and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. There is no rhyme or reason or logic that can be applied to the narcopath’s responses. Due to the lack of predictability the narcopath builds into the relationship, you slowly begin to lose your bearings and question which way is up. The mixed messages of love and cruelty and the constant drip of criticisms generate confusion, self-doubt, stress and despair. You know something is wrong, but you just can’t seem to put your finger on it. When you start to pull away, the narcopath lassos you back in with more positive reinforcement. The “I love you’s”, good deeds and false promises of everlasting love intensify.

All the while, the narcopath carefully assesses the effect it has on you. Your compliance and appreciation affirms their superiority and the success of their tactics. The narcopath intuitively senses exactly when s/he needs to deliver positive reinforcement to keep you under their thumb so they can continue to destroy and dismember your self-worth until they have absolute control and dominance over just about every aspect of your life.

The longer the cycles of intermittent reinforcement of reward (attention, kindness, “love’) and punishment (criticisms, blaming, guilt) the stronger the traumatic bond and the more resistant to change it becomes. This partly explains why so many targets stay trapped in these unhealthy, one-sided toxic relationships.

STEPS 7 & 8: MANAGE THE TARGET DOWN AND ERODE THE TARGET’S IDENTITY THROUGH VARIOUS FORMS OF ABUSE

Frequently, one of the first forms of ambient abuse introduced into the relationship is nit-picking. Nit-picking is a form of brow beating used to manipulate and wear down the target. It’s also a defense mechanism to ward off the narcopath’s own feelings of inadequacy and imperfection by scrutinizing the target’s actions instead of focusing on their own short-comings. The narcopath becomes overly invested in finding fault with the target.

The narcopath’s fault findings are ALWAYS covertly disguised in the form of helpfulness or constructive criticisms. They will correct you on the most trivial and inconsequential actions. Nothing you do is ever good enough. Eventually over time, the constant assaults take their toll on your self-esteem and you internalize the message that you are inadequate and not good enough. Or you succumb to doing things the narcopath’s way to avoid arguments, rage and silent treatments. With every modification you make, you lose a little bit more of yourself and the distance between you and your identity widens.

The narcopath launches a full-fledged attack on your identity through various forms of ambient abuse. A few of the most common are; gas-lighting, minimizing, blame-shifting, projection, guilt tripping and triangulation. The narcopath needs you to feel inadequate and at fault. The more inadequate and helpless you feel, the more dependent you become on the narcopath. This is a double-dose of supply for the narcopath. Your feelings of inadequacy serve to inflate their sense of superiority and maximizes their control over you. The balance of power in the relationship becomes glaringly obvious as the narcopath elevates himself/herself into the position of dominance and authority at your expense.

This is not love. It’s the love of control.

It’s pure and evil, self-serving, calculated manipulation that shatters the target’s self-worth and identity. The damaging impact on the target is not fully recognized until the target has had some distance from the abuse and the residual brainwash diminishes. As the residue of manipulation fades it converts to anger as the target painfully realizes their mind, heart and soul had been so deceptively hijacked.

Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.

References: Brainwashing- Learn How It’s Done So You Can Undo It. Verbalabusejournals.com

Suffering from Narcissistic Abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook by clicking the link.

52 thoughts on “Narc-Sadistic Brainwashing: The 8 Ingredients Of Mind Control

  1. This is one of the best descriptions I’ve come across to describe the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I was raised by one and then dated a couple before educating myself about this insidious personality disorder. Thank God I am finally free.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, accurate and insightful. Thanks. They just see people as ‘supply’ that they can walk all over and get power from. Nasty ieces of work. Went out with one for a year and he still fools people around him by pretending to be Mr Nice Befuddled Difficult but Sweet Guy. He’s a monster. People warned me. I didn’t listen. Lesson learned. This needs wide broadcast. Similar to Borderline Personality Disorder??

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Estie, sometimes we have to learn the hard way. They are monsters that walk around looking like normal, great people that just haven’t found the “right” person. Definitely similar to BPD in ways but the big difference is BPD’s have a conscience and through DBT therapy can have successful results and improvement. Appreciate your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. thank you for your time and effort letting others know they are not alone and they are not at fault…if we do nothing else we must educate our children that preditors are on the prowl …I tell my boys if you dont have anything nice to say say it anyway

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing such a detailed description of this awful cycle of abuse. Both my parents are narcissists, and I have felt the blow of love-discard, over and over again! The constant criticisms that made me feel shame and just not good enough.It is truly devastating and the grieving process is long and complicated, but worthwhile in the end.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Let’s keep strong, lovely ones! It is hard to recover and is taking me two years, but I’m getting there. My self-esteem was gouged to shreds, but hey, my (ignorant) goodness let it happen. So glad the lesson is learned and sending strength and love to others in the middle of it all still. Knowledge is power and reading and following this insightful and intelligent supportive blog is a great start.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Mine just left me after 7 years. I gave up a lot of my identity but in the end I fought back. I armed myself with knowledge. I trusted my intuition. I saw through the mask and the game. And I think that’s why he finally left. His numbers and emails were all disconnected within minutes of each other. Never even knew this was possible. The day he did this he asked over text “do you love me?”. If you sense ANY of this material relates to you and your own situation, make plans now to get away as soon as possible. It may take time but in the end No Contact, as everyone says, really is the best way to stay sane. Let life reveal the monsters. I won’t be pulling on any more masks. I no longer live in a soap opera of someone else’s choosing. THAT is freedom.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. wow…this is so informative. I had this situation develop in a “virtual” relationship after meeting on an online dating site. we never met but for a few years all of these things played out. perhaps the internet provides an opportunity for this type of personality to prey on people. even at the very beginning, red flags went up (expression of love and adoration a bit too soon). I had read other articles about narcissists but would often find aspects that did not fit. How you have described it here though allows there to be no other explanation but that he is this. It’s extremely disheartening that I fell prey to this as I am a very intuitive, sensitive and emotionally strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. to clarify…while we never met, phone, text, instant messaging, facebook, yahoo messenger, skype all provided opportunity for all of this to happen. The thing is, I suspect I was one of many. There would be periods of silence, either of his doing or mine, and then somehow I’d let him back in.

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    2. Hi KB, that’s the thing, we are all able to fall prey if we aren’t aware of the signs. Usually the people who are preyed upon are strong, sensitive, compassionate and smart. So don’t think that being a target is negative statement about you. It’s actually just the opposite. Thank you for sharing and commenting. ~Bree

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  7. Been through all this, through hell and back. I only realised how bad it was after I broke it off. Have to go for counselling now to try to find the pieces of my shattered identity and confidence, all of which he took from me bit by bit in 4 years.
    One thing for sure it takes an awful lot of strength to walk away from this ‘hell hole’ and even more to get yourself back again

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was raised by the whole boatload of crazy, transferred to all of us eight offspring, I’m the ‘blessed’ scapegoat. At fifty-four I woke up the day mom died, and the two oldest co-np’s physically attacked me for attempting to walk away from their verbal/emotional abuse, because being nc two years up to that point with them, I had ‘forgotten the drill’ of speak, see, hear, feel nothing of self in their presence. Their behavior was the best gift they could have ever presented to me. I woke up to all the crazy, being finally freed from the bondage of guilt and shame heaped upon me all my life from a mom who always let me know I was born the wrong gender, and ugly and worth nothing but to be used and abused, and hurt and ignored. I am FREE!

    Also, through my healing of self, I realized the self damning talk I would tell myself is not correct…. It’s not that I “don’t care” about the people who hurt me and who are not in my life by MY choice and design, when I would hear myself say, “I don’t care,” about a past hurt, or such…. I now realize that I do care, and I also know now that I CARRY only MY STUFF HERE ON OUT!!! Any ‘bags’ I have are for my choice of TRAVEL!!!

    Love this site, and all the wisdom and support!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I divorced my abuser but he continues his abuse through my daughter. Physical,mental and emotional and legal abuse. If he couldn’t put his hands on me he keeps me in the court system, This man has robbed me and my children of our lives and he is allowed to get away with it. 13 years of court battles always brought on by him. He is an attorney with a lot of money and manipulates most everyone. He knows that the legal costs are more than I can handle so he keeps it going. He is truly run by Satan. 12 years after the divorce he was arrested 2 times within 3 months and “his buddies” got him out of jail. He even violates injunctions and gets away with it. Did I mention how charming people think he is and so funny. He blames, minimizes and is just plain sick.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I totally empathize with you! A Narcissist and lawyer who is able to abuse you through the court system over inconsequential battles! I can only imagine. And everybody who does not know him well thinks he’s a great guy! Stay strong my friend. I know you have been. I wish you peace & happiness. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow !!! I am absolutely glad to find this site here !
    My Psychopath was my mother-she still is -and she is so well dressed and full of charme-but not with me.
    She isolated me and took me to hospital for eight years.
    Now, I am free-and my lawyer things I shall get 8 Million Dollars.
    Well, I do not wanna fight anymore….we offered the Hospital to give a certain amount in crude-and sign a contract that mother is very sick.
    Then I will leave the City of Hamburg and start anew..all alone.
    I am very excited and very sad – since I will turn 40 in February…and I have lost almost everything: my father,my sisters,my breast…and my children were killed.
    It is a strange time for me….and I hope I will find good people wherever I will go next month.
    I need a time for me alone – and then I am going to adopt two girls…I thing that is sort of a good idea for a broken heart to recover.

    Christiane Carradine

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Met on 1999, had a son in 2011. Still trying to get divorced. This is the best description I’ve ever read about a narcissist… Stay strong, we are all survivors. #SpeakUp #survivor

    Liked by 1 person

  12. How do you expose this person? Especially in the courtroom? I need to find a way to prove that my children are living in an abusive toxic environment. Unfortunately, we are also suffering with parental alienation syndrome.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Great post. I can relate to every one of those ways of the signs of how a narc manipulates It’s the various stages of brainwashing basically and is how cult leaders draw people into their cult. A narc is doing the same but drawing you into a relationship in which he will suck you dry and abandon you when he/she is done with you and you are of no use anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I enjoyed reading your article, thank-you. My Dad had this really old book entitled “Mind Control.” My parents live interstate, and when I went to visit the next year (after extensive personal growth) I couldn’t find it. I wonder who the author(s) might have been so I can find out what techniques he used on us?

    Liked by 2 people

  15. This article was very hard for me to stomach, because I can see so many of these behaviors in myself I was raised in a very emotionally and mentally abusive home, where both of my parents exhibits these patterns and behaviors. They not only treated each other this way, but they treated their children this way as well. I have noticed that I have carried these patterns and behaviors into my closest relationships and want so badly to break the cycle, especially for my children. I am trying to isolate myself from my parents because my relationships with them are still not healthy. I am sick over the fact that I can relate to doing any of this. It’s so easy to point the finger at others, but rarely do people take an introspective look and realize what part is actually them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jessica, The article was intended to help “victims” realize the dynamics that keep them bound in toxic relationships. But I’m glad that it helped you see learned behaviors passed down from your parents so you will be able to break the cycle. Peace & Happiness.

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  16. My ex-husband is Doing this to his own children but it’s out of my control as the courts have ordered that they spend 2hours a fortnight at a contact centre:/ with him.

    How do I make the courts see what he’s doing???

    Liked by 1 person

  17. WOW!!I have just come out of a 6year narcisstic abuse relationship,its been almost 2months and I cudnt be happier,my experience left me down and out,lost everything I had,since figuring this out abt him I have started to rebuild my life,he is still trying to do what he does best,and if it were not for these posts I get on FB everyday I probably would have gone running back long time.To all those that think u cnt leave and start over,don’t kid urself u will be better off!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I was left by my narc after 9 years Dec 23rd. He used triangulation to break up with me, but seeing someone in another state while he was at work. That didn’t work out for him and he came crawling back to me. I refused to let him move back in but gave him more time than I should have.

    Reading this made me so angry. As I read this, I can go back to the very first time i met him and pick out things he did to suck me into his web. Hindsight truly is 20/20. I need to heal and am trying to go modified contact as we have children. He’s dating someone new and slept with her on the first date… he had to tell me and he’s still waiting for a reaction from me. I hate that he thinks somehow I’m still on his back burner. He knows how to get to me still… He threatens me with him making the kids meet her when he is ready. Even a custody agreement won’t stop that, because they don’t care that he’s a narc.

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  19. we have fallen in love even love the person wholeheartedly, one disconnects from the deep knowledge that something is not right, and hopes for a good outcome because admitting that one has been played, manipulated and endured some covert emotional abuse is painful to admit and guilt and shame. I was and I am still a great person, with the right attitude, open heart, compassion and empathy that I was before. A painful experience richer that there are dangerous conditions out there. I call it condition because I know that inside they are not evil people but poor little kids afraid to be hurt in such extremes that they had to protect themselves. Deep Inside torn apart, longing for intimate deep and unconditional love. And yes I still have this compassion for them, if not he would have succeded. Does not mean it is ok what they are doing but we need to forgive ourselves. In the end they will never experience love, because when they find it they need to destroy it, to punish themselves, repeat the cycle of self hate, the true self established in childhood. The true predators are the parents creating a narcisst. To all narcissist which maybe check this out if you ever come to the crossrad to seek help, stay in it, save yourself, stop the cycle of abuse you have received and stop abusing others! It will be very hard, very hard, but also simple admit the strong feelings of worthlessness, the extrem need to be loved, crush that false protection and finally be who you are because that person in there would be beautiful and loveable with strenghts and weaknesses. For us who had a partner which is narcisstic, if not physically abusive, overtly abusive you are allowed to love that person, forgive that person but cut them off, save yourself, love them from a distance, go through all the phases you have to go through to get over this experience. Create healthy bounderies, if you see in the future a step over these bounderies address it immediately if it repeats call it quits move on, protect yourself and your compassion, empathy and love. We have a future and we will have mutually nuturing healthy relationships, especially after going through this experience. Most Narcissist will never have this hope, their stuck and they know it, they envy you to be able to break free from their prison because what you experienced is just a glimpse of their innermost turmoil and self hate projected on to you. Marc

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  20. They are evil. Not all the time of course, when everybody supply them with what they want and need they can be as nice as the other person… but when they don`t get supply or can`t manipulate and dominate they start to hate. Do not feel sorry for them.. they know the difference between wrong and right, they just don`t care. Education is everything!

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  21. Am I being brain washed. If someone plays on childhood training and social conventions, my responsibilities to make me feel like Im a bad evil person, try to make me be bad and evil towards the world if I displease them, gaslights me for leaving them, didnt give me clothing and warm bedclothes for winter,I was wasting their money if I wanted them take me out and it was too far or they pretended they didnt know that I am talking when I asked for them to take me out, when I moved out they agreed take me wherever I wanted, I was gaslighted for any mistake or complaint I made, told I am crazy if I was angry back told we dont do that now he realized what a bad image it makes. Did it more. Mysteriously strangers would gossip about me and hate me and know my intimiate secrets and private life, things long ago and far away intrusted in secret to others elsewhere were now in the public eye used to humiliate and undermine me.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. My narc did step foot in a psychology class

    She ran them…, she has a PHD in Clinical psychology

    And she did all you have expressed here and more… She knew the advantage she held… Beautiful, intelligent, charismatic…. Explained the effects of oxytocin and endorphins… Fool that I was

    She was telling me straight what she was using… The how… The why… I was a fool

    She moved on… New guy moved in 3 weeks later… And me?

    I’m the ‘crazy ex’… Just like her last ‘crazy ex’s..’

    It’s chapter and verse

    Almost like you’re writing my bio😦

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  23. I am an older man who was love bombed by a beautiful, smart 21 year old Narc who works as a waitress/bartender. The first time we met, she put her lovely slender arms around my neck and said, “I’ve been watching you for two weeks.” I was smitten but she would never be mine as I was destined to be her financial “side supply.” Shortly thereafter she put me in the friend zone saying I wanted more from her than she COULD give me. The truth was that it was more than she WOULD give me. But then while in the friend zone she started love bombing me using words no woman had ever said to me. When I would try to get her to follow up with actions that matched her words, nothing happened. At first I thought she was just a flirt who was arrogant and had anger issues. When we had problems she wouldn’t talk about it or it was always my fault. I could out argue her so she always resorted to the silent treatment and I would end up apologizing. She sought me out as financial “side supply” to make up for the financial weakness of her tall, muscular, athletic boyfriend who lived with her, drove her car and lived off her. He was a boy-man she could control. I showered her with presents worth about $8,000. One day I read an article on Narcs on the web, then bought a book and it all made sense. I thought we could still be friends and decided to re-set the relationship but it didn’t work as she started sucking me back in with love bombs. When I finally broke it off she didn’t care. She had been recently dumped by her boy-man and immediately upgraded her other “side supply” guy (who I knew about – and I knew she would eventually choose him over me) to boyfriend status as he has all of what I can give her plus what her former boyfriend gave her. The thing that hurts the most wasn’t the loss of money, it was the insincerity of her love bombs. Her words touched every part of my heart and soul like no other. I now know the woman I fell in love with doesn’t exist. As we never had sex or spent significant time together, my recovery will be much shorter and easier than that of the other victims whose stories I’ve read here. I thought you might want to hear a story from a “side supply” victim.

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  24. The idealization phase is what is so hard to get over. The scumbag was so convincing and charming. Soul mate love of his life etc etc. Totally destroyed me to learn it was all a lie and he was cheating the entire time. Now he’s happily sauntered off into the sunset with a new younger and i might add dumber supply. *sigh* revenge would be so sweet

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  25. My narc participated in all these aspects of behaviour, but i do often wonder how aware of it he was. Can it be a pattern of behaviour that becomes second nature and they’re not even aware they are doing it?

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