couple

So you think the narcopath is happier with the new woman? You couldn’t resist the urge to cyber-peek  or muster the strength to block him, and now your Facebook feed is bombarded with shiny, happy couple photos of him and his new target looking oh-so-happily in love. Before you jump to conclusions, I want you to imagine a photograph of the typical, happy vacationing couple who have been together for only a short 4 months. Picture a cliché “ussie ” photo, a selfie photo but for couples, on a tropical white sandy beach with the ocean in the background that you have seen posted on Facebook a million times. Everyone who sees the picture while scrolling through their newsfeed thinks, “Oh, what a happy little vacationing couple they are!” “Those two are so cute together!” “They make such a great couple!”

In fact, those comments are the very sentiments that were echoed beneath the actual picture I am describing. None of the commenters suspected that the smiley-faced woman was knee-deep in devaluation – not even the woman herself. At the time the photo was taken, there was still more positive than negative in the relationship, but it would not stay that way for long.

I am going to tell you something that you probably already know in your heart, but because the narcopath’s residual brainwashing still lingers in your mind like slime and stays trapped there by the social media images partly aimed at taunting you, you may feel a little comfort from this reminder.

I hear so many heartbreaking stories from survivors of narcissistic abuse describing how they were abruptly discarded, only to see their ex turn up on Fakebook just days or weeks later with a new target, going to the restaurants they used to frequent or on the vacations that they had planned together. One woman described feeling like she had been filleted like a fish while watching her ex get engaged, married and buy a new house with his new target, all within a span of 6 months.

So many survivors are left wondering, “Maybe it was all my fault?” “Maybe I wasn’t good enough?” “It sure looks like he finally found someone who is able to fulfill all his needs and make him happy?” It’s easy to arrive at these faulty assumptions when the narcopath and his new target are posting tons of happy, lovey-dovey pictures of relationship bliss all over social media.

 Disclaimer: People’s lives aren’t always what they post!

Don’t get caught in this cyber-crap-trap. A leopard never changes his spots. A person doesn’t jump from one relationship into another, without taking a minute’s worth of self-reflection, and become a completely different person overnight. It just doesn’t happen! Ever! Especially when that person is a narcopath!

The only thing that has changed about your ex is his target – a target who is completely unaware of his faults, mind games and manipulations. She doesn’t realize what she is getting herself into… yet. She is probably working overtime, bending and twisting like a gymnast trying to get her once-perfect guy to be perfect again. She has no clue that his love is not and never will be real. She is still under the illusion that he is the one, that they’re meant to be, and that she just needs to become a little more nurturing or giving or understanding or insert ( ________) and Mr. Perfect will magically resurface again.

All you have to do is remember how you felt deep inside when you posted the same smiling, happy-looking, kissy-face couple pictures on social media. You weren’t 100% happy, as those pictures suggested you were, were you? Your intuition was telling you something was just not right, but since you couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was at the time, you tried your hardest to restore the relationship to the way it once was.

You, like the new target, were duped into believing the narcopath loved you and the problems in the relationship were all your fault. He toyed with your mind and used you like his own personal playground.

Unfortunately, it’s not difficult to rehash the memories of the absurd, exhausting arguments, the silent treatments and the feelings that no matter what you did, it was just never good enough.

How about all the good days that he ruined in minutes without the least bit of provocation on your part? And what about that unyielding, nagging feeling of anxiety that kept you on high alert about your every move and word so as not to trip the wire and trigger Mr. Hyde’s presence?

Remember how you buried your needs and desires and betrayed yourself because you were too busy being thrown off-balance amidst the criticisms and projections? Instead of caring about yourself, pleasing him became your sole focus.

How about all those ridiculous arguments that took place during the car ride on the way to dinner, family gatherings, concerts or sporting events, etc.? But boy, was that a cute picture the two of you took and posted on Facebook later that evening, looking so delightfully in love with your matching baseball caps, right?

“All that glitters is not gold.”

Don’t be fooled.

How do I know for sure?

I know because the woman in the photograph of the couple I asked you to imagine was me. I saved that particular picture because one day as I was deleting old pictures, I came across that one and my first thought was that it was a pretty fun vacation. Then I instantly remembered the huge fight we had had on one of the nights we were there, and I still can’t for the life of me even tell you what prompted it — just a narcopath needing to create chaos and misery and suck a bit more joy from my soul.

But what struck me most about the picture was something I never noticed before, and that was my reason for saving it: the sparkle in my eyes had already started to fade at only 4 months into the relationship. It’s so subtle, but actually not subtle at all compared to the pictures of me now.

You know that sparkle I’m referring to. It’s the one that shines through when you’re filled with inner peace and contentment. That’s what narcopaths do. They dull your shine. They drain the happiness from your soul and take it for themselves. They aren’t called emotional vampires without good reason.

Don’t feel an ounce of jealousy for the new target!

Don’t wallow, not even for a minute, in self-doubt, believing that you somehow were not “good enough” to make the narcopath happy.

I recommend you not even stay updated about your ex. Facebook has a block button for a reason. Use it. Cut all contact if possible. Just knowing that the narcopath will eventually destroy the new target in the same way he tried to destroy you is like helplessly watching a train wreck that you have no power to prevent.

The new target will unfortunately join the ranks of the living dead, drained and depleted, and will end up being just another notch on the narcopath’s belt of devastation. It’s inevitable.

Her sparkle will start to dull. It just happens so gradually you don’t notice it until you put two pictures side by side. How long will she hang in there? Who knows?

What I do know for certain is this: don’t believe most of what you see on Facebook, or any other form of social media for that matter. There are tons of happy Facebook couples who are absolutely miserable in real life. They’re just not posting those negative/miserable/realistic  pictures.

In my experience, the truly happiest couples are not the ones constantly splattered all over Facebook and social media, because well… they are just too darn busy being… HAPPY!

I wrote this from the perspective of a female. There is no gender bias intended. Please substitute pronouns as appropriate.

Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay.  All Rights Reserved.

 

breeheadshot1I Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based Licensed psychotherapist (LCSW) who believes “relationships are the currency of life”. She’s a relationship expert dedicated to helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.

Front cover graphicClick Here To Order

Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook by clicking the link.

 

65 thoughts on “Is The Narcopath As Happy With The New Woman As He Appears On Facebook?

  1. Another great article Bree! I think this stage is where many Targets fall off the NC/Stover wagon. From this point in my rebuilding, I believe it’s due to the very normal feelings of loss that those photos bring, the wish to have done better, tried harder. Valid feelings all – but – they are not for a normal human and this is the hardest fact to accept about a Narcissist. They are not normal and human emotion is utterly lost on them. Even our previous losses / breakups may have trained us to believe that something or everything can be salvaged by trying again or reaching out. The biggest clue that we should avoid that at all cost, may be social media. Even a bad breakup requires some regrouping by the “bad” person, a Narc already had a fish on the hook for their photo ops.
    The best message that yourself and other professionals share is that of “No Contact” and absolute abstinence from social media. It’s definitely the hardest to adhere to, it works against the best of human nature but is truly the only way to heal and move on.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Karin, I can’t agree more! Thank you for sharing your insight. Everything you said is so true. Normal human emotions are lost on Narcopaths! No contact is truly the way to healing. Social media makes that so much harder these days when breaking no contact is just a click away. Then the wound is reopened and back to square one. Definitely like you said, ‘this stage is where many targets fall off the NC/Stover wagon”. ~Xx Bree

      Liked by 3 people

    2. Ok .. This has been an inspiring article. I can relate to the “4 month” period of when the color drained from the wheel. In 3 years there was never a picture of us posted anywhere. Yet after he ended it within one month a picture was posted of him and is new girlfriend. They looked so happy. I doubted myself. What did I do? Could I have changed things to be the happy one in the picture? This has helped me to see that no matter what I could have done it would have not changed the outcome. I was married to a narc for 18 years and then dated a narc for 3 years. I can not and will not do this again. Your articles have made a tremendous impact on me and I vow that I will move forward. Please continue to give us insight. I have devoured so much from the internet and you have been by far the best I have read.

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      1. I so much agree with you. This article is one of the best I read about this subject. And yes, no matter what you did or changed about yourself, the outcome would have been the same. A counselor once told me “once you are on the discard list, that’s it “. My ex husband of over 20 years rewrite history. He demonized the entire marriage, he made me the villain,he called me crazy and mentally unstable. I was the “bad guy” in this equation. Of course ,no mentioning of the affair with the co worker. No mentioning of the funds spent on cruises and gifts for the mistress. The best and healthiest thing to do is “don’t look back, don’t try to make sense out of it , don’t wait for an explanation or an apology “. Cut off all contact , stay in the today and live your life the best you can. You will recover and you will look back one day and smile about it. Today u feel like a gladiator. I stood up for myself, I took control and power and I divorced him. I am proud of myself and I never once regretted it.

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  2. My ex GF was married for 15 years before he finally broke and left. Then I wandered in. 16 months I lived it. The subtle verbal, mental and emotional abuse and the rages. She was never a social media type of person. I think in 16 months there were only 3 pictures of us in existence. While my profile picture was of us, hers didn’t. Never changed relationship status, Instagram was private, etc. Fast forward to where she dumped me for her old college buddy. That was 10 months ago. Magically her Instagram became public and I couldn’t resist. I peeked. There they were. All smiles. I screwed up and commented with glad you happy..good bye my love. 10 minutes later, got a blistering text calling me passive aggressive, delete it immediately, got something to say, say it to me…blah, blah. Yikes!! Lesson learned. I fell for it. Haven’t spoke to her since and have gotten through volleyball season (she coaches my sons team) with no contact. I have my moments of self worth issues, wasn’t good enough, why are they still together, all those thoughts. This sheds some light on those feelings. They are great actors. The new guy may be one himself, or he’s a bigger puss than me. Regardless, I’m out of it. While it hurts and I’m not the same man I was, I’m better off

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Excellent post Bree! I couldn’t have said it any better. This reminds of me how when I was going NC…just to be sure, I’d periodically sweep Facebook to see if my ex was on it. Less to keep tabs on him, but to be sure as possible that he couldn’t stalk me. I do believe even those that don’t hoover us, often stay in background watching us, but keeping themselves hidden from our view.

    My ex used to insist that he had no use for Facebook, and couldn’t see any reason for having a Facebook account. Still, I checked periodically to see if he had any active accounts. Early on, I did find one where it looked like he was starting to dip his toe in the water using Facebook..which he soon deleted. This was before going NC!. Yes, I did block him soon shortly before he deleted it! It was all about him, and his happy new life. In his photos, he had uglied up even more than when I knew him, LOL. Whew!

    Anyway, after one sweep suddenly after NC, he suddenly pop up on a new account with a photo op of him playing with his dogs while a miserable looking older woman stood stiffly off the side looking very uncomfortable and unhappy. That told me all I needed to know. No sparkle in eyes like when he first was rubbing his new love in my face on a blog he wrote shortly after our breakup! I only took a second to look and quickly blocked him again on that account.

    Yes, I think it was intended to hurt me further by rubbing her in my face…the photo op, I’m sure was for my, uh, “benefit”. It didn’t work! I realized what he was up to. He did a mighty poor job of it! That woman looked like she was living in Hell. I’m happy, because I know I dodged a bullet. I never wanted to move in with him for some strange reason…maybe my inner instincts were warning me. I don’t know. I was saved by cancer! Had to stay put for treatment! These guys do not do sick people well. He’d already driven his long-term wife to an early grave! I almost followed suit. Probably would have if I’d moved in.

    He started moving in her home immediately after meeting her I’m sure. She had a lucrative income, expensive, nicely furnished home, healthy bank account and thriving business. You can be sure he checked out her financial status thoroughly!). I have no doubt of it! I did send her a note several weeks later telling her she was welcome to have him lock, stock and barrel! Can’t help but think, what a dummy! She put him as co-owner and trustee on all her properties!

    Yes, I do feel some pity for her. I think she is kind of like me…tends to be overly trusting, is somewhat naive, but basically, is a good, kind person at heart. A perfect target in other words. Do I believe his crap? No, it’s all on him! I do understand his disorder, but if I didn’t, I might very well be believing his posts. Whatever you know. He’s her problem now. God love her! She’ll need it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Only Me, I not only agree with EVERYTHING you said about Narcopaths but you gave me a few chuckles the way you told your story. I echo your sentiment “God love her! She’ll need it”. Sad, but so true! Thank you for sharing and putting a smile on my face. ~Bree

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  4. Excellent article, Bree. You explained this so well.

    Years ago, before there was Facebook, my narcopath ex had to flaunt the new target he acquired within a week of our breakup, by showing up with her at places where he knew I would be. So cruel and so unnecessary. They also frequently went out to eat together at the diner on the main street in town, sitting in the front window where he and I used to sit. I felt so crushed when I was driving home at night and would see them there, looking so happy. Of course I thought it was because she was better than me.

    What a relief it has been to learn the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wowww i am crying right now… after reading this. I showed pictures to a girlfriend from when i was with the narc and now. There is so much differents. Every time i went back to him… my sparkle went away…. and now he is so in love on facebook…. thanks you … this makes me stronger❤

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Reblogged this on Healing From Crazy and commented:
    This excellent article posted by Bree on Relationshipedia reminds me of a song I wrote years ago about the pain of seeing my narcopathic ex with his new girlfriend right after our breakup. I didn’t know anything at the time about Narcissistic or Sociopathic Personality types, and I was very confused and deeply hurt by the inhuman way he went from being madly in love with me, to hating me and being madly in love with someone else, almost overnight.

    I believed him when he said the problems in our relationship were my fault. He said I was too needy, too sensitive, too emotional, and too “crazy.” These were the same hateful words my abusive mother had used when I was a child, so those soul-killing words were all too familiar. My abusive childhood had groomed me for abusive adult relationships. I was the perfect target for bullies, users, and abusers: shy, insecure, unsure of myself, and desperately eager to please.

    The lyrics of the song I wrote fifteen years ago illustrates how confused and devastated I felt. I was starved for love and believed I was not worthy of love, which is why I bought into the lie that the narcopath’s new girlfriend was everything I wasn’t.

    Here are the words to my song, Heartbreak Diner:

    I drive past the diner, I look in and see them
    Sitting at the table where we used to be
    Alone in the dark night I make my way homeward
    Feeling like a fool for just needing to see

    Where did our love go, tell me how did this happen
    Nothing makes sense anymore
    My friend says come over, I’ll make you forget him
    My head wants to try but my heart won’t let go

    Did I ever know you, you seem like a stranger
    Aloof and uncaring, unwilling to try
    You and your friends have joined forces to blame me
    I have nothing left now, not even my pride

    As I drive past the dinner, I look in and see them
    Sitting at the table where we used to be
    Alone in the dark night I make my way homeward
    Feeling like a fool for just needing to see

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome and thank you for writing this.

        Right after I reblogged your terrific post, I remembered reading somewhere that it is considered impolite to reblog a post on the same day it was originally posted. I am sorry I forgot that. If you like, I can hide my post and make it public again on another day. Just let me know please what you want me to do.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for the post and information. I’m just starting to learn about this subject. It’s starting to help explain what happened to me. I honestly never heard of this before. I thought my ex was just crazy but there’s a lot more to it than that. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Good article. people don’t change unless they want to. So if he / she is a narcissist now target is changed. one of the common traits they play is claiming how happy and successful they are after they dump you, this is one of the technique to show you that how miserable your life will be without them. Don’t believe their tactic. remember why you want to leave them in the first place.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think we all struggle with this. I finally started thinking about it differently. Instead of thinking is he happier with her? Is he treating her right? ect… I say to myself ” If she is willing to give up her health, sanity and any vestige of a life that dosn’t revolve around him and to accept his abuse without question then yes he is happier. I remind myself that I am far too vibrant and intelligent to every make him happy. Hope that helps spmeone!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Bree🙂 for the article. It helps me to read what you went through and realise I am not alone. No matter how trite that sounds or how often it is repeated you are passing a light around with your knowledge and experience. I just wanted to add that if she always does everything he wants without a struggle he will be happier- for a minute, before he gets bored because it is too easy and she is obviously unworthy of him and then he will destroy her utterly.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Boy, I’m still suffering from the not good enough thing. 10 months out and no hoovering. Strange relationship that is was that for 16 months I was not introduced as her boyfriend, very few pictures of us, no social media change in relationship status. I was just there. I useful tool until she got her life back in order. Feel like an utter failure and unwanted by anyone. Never been quite used like this before. Sometimes I wish for hoovering in some perverse game of did I really matter or exist to her? But, thankfully, there’s been none of that except for some eye contact at my sons Volleyball game(she’s his coach).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gene, hoovering doesn’t mean that you mattered. No one matters to these people. They use people and dispose of them. Thankfully she is out of your life. You can’t take it personally, although hard not to, but it isn’t personal. Nothing they do is about you because it’s all about them. It had nothing to do with you. Stay strong ~Bree

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  11. Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been feeling very down lately because my narcopath is ignoring me and spending a lot of time with a new girl in our group of friends. I had a good cry after reading this and things have been put into perspective for me

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Bree – I gasped when I read the part in your article about having the sparkle return in your eyes. In all my reading on this subject I have never heard anyone else say this. I didn’t have a label yet for my ex’s gigantic brand of crazy making and have educated myself on narcissistic-sociopaths since he walked out the door. It was a relief to know I wasn’t alone on the roller coaster ride of chaos that I rode for almost 11 yrs. I was trapped by one financial disaster of his after another and when I finally was able to get him out of my life miraculously without going bankrupt I prayed I would never lay eyes on him ever again. I grew to be repulsed by him but having to make an exit plan took time. It is wiser to not let them know that you know what they are and out them, because my guy would have done…God knows what to me. But back to the sparkle part. Mine was gone…I had dead eyes and I didn’t even realize it. Only after being on my own for months in my beautiful, calm, predictable new life did I realize that when I saw new pics of myself that the reason I liked looking at them was because (besides living an authentic life again) I looked so different. My eyes twinkled. How glorious. I am so, so thankful to have found the strength to tackle it all. The financial mess, the divorce and his grandstanding. And even though I lost my home, I found my soul again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, I agree! A resounding yes to every word you said. You so perfectly expressed the peace and joy that returns once you leave a narcissist and lights up your soul and puts the sparkle back in your eyes. The difference in pictures is astounding and speaks volumes to what narcissistic abuse does to someone. Let the pictures be a reminder of your strength, freedom and peace. Thank you for your comment. Xx~ Bree

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    2. I too look much better now that I ever did while I was married. There is a calmness and peace over me. And yes , the divorce was messy , expensive and nerve wrecking. I also lost my “dream home” but I gained so much. Freedom is priceless. You can replace all material things including houses etc. But your happiness , your sanity and well being are priceless.
      Itcwas not easy but divorcing him was the best thing that ever happened to me. His affair and his lies have me the strength to stand up for myself , to say “enough is enough “. Him abandoning was a compliment to me that I got to strong in believing his lies and deceits. I got too smart and too good in my investigations. Glad it is all over. He can now lie to who ever he wants to lie to. I am thankful it’s not me anymore. I love my new life. The biggest regret I have is that I should have not waited 20 years to divorce him.

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  13. Mine never posted photos of us because he wanted to be private. Then 7 months into our relationship he posted photos with a girl half his age. It’s only been a few weeks but I keep thinking he will be the amazing man he was in the beginning with me, but forever with her. I keep thinking I wasn’t pretty enough or young enough to be public with him. I miss him.

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  14. I’m going through the discard phase right now. We were together for 15 years and he cheated on me more times than I can count. He recently told me he wanted to be a family. That is was over between him and his ex girlfriend. Of course I believed him and went back. So after 1 week he told me in front of our 2 year old son that it wasn’t going to work I wasn’t going to change and neither was he and it just wasn’t going to work. And then asked me to cancel child support keep in mind he pays 30 a week. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Then the very night after breaking up with me he was back with the girlfriend he dumped just a week earlier. Then he tells me he’s moving past me and I should do the same. Then the girlfriend proceeds to tell me get over myself. Just find someone else and accept that he doesn’t want me. He wanted to never see me again and wanted absolutely nothing from me. Go away basically.

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  15. This has really helped me today and I wanted to say thank you. I never knew what a narcissist was until about four years ago. When I went to Uni I met a guy. I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all, but he tricked me into his ‘good guy’ persona. You know, I hold doors for people, give up my empty seat for the elderly… I was tired of going out with bad boys and told myself to not be superficial and give the good plain guy a chance… He was nice and he got my sense of humour and everything I was into he was into….but…

    He was the most putrid, evil guy I’ve ever dated. He was on multiple dating sites, he’d been messaging countless girls on FB and at Uni. I could go into it all, but I would go on and on, and you get the idea. The last resort for me was when my father passed away two years ago. I went and stayed with N. Big mistake. All he cared about was getting some. A day after I lost my father!!!!! He also shouted at me and made me cry the next day… I knew then I had to dump him. In a way, it was a good that he did that at that time. I finally saw the evil.

    I dumped him over a year ago and have been trying to heal. It’s hard. I don’t love him, and I’d rather date a shark than think about dating him again, but I dont want him to be happy. He doesn’t deserve it. I know this has been unhealthy, and I even told my sister that I am aware how unhealthy this is, but every day i wish for karma to hit him. Yesterday, I discovered he’s started seeing someone (a skanky girl he’d been messaging when I was with him) and it hit me so hard! I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. Why do I care????? Why am I feeling that pang and I’ve even lost my appetite for the last 2 days. I dumped him over a year ago! What the hell is happening????

    I’ve been trying to find advice this morning, and it feels nice that I’m not alone. I think I know why it hit me bad. He doesn’t deserve happiness and he has someone. He is seemingly happy. Whereas I’m still single, which is fine, but I HATE the fact that he is happy! But I guess once a N, always a N. He is NOT happy. He is selfish. He doesn’t care about her. He is using her. He is her problem now, not mine.

    I just can’t believe how badly I’ve been affected by this, even after a year… I feel angry that I was ever in his grasp and that I allowed myself to be a victim.😦 I just wish I would get my appetite back and stop feeling that gnaw in the pit of my stomach because I KNOW he is not worth my time or anguish. I KNOW this. So why can’t I stop hurting?😦

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    1. I’m really glad it helped. Remember you have a case of toxic ex syndrome (not a real syndrome). You were deceived and your emotions were exploited and you feel used and duped. Your anger and wanting there to be some kind of Karmic justice is totally normal. You no longer love him and don’t want him back which means toxic ex syndrome will eventually go away on its own but I know you want to stop thinking about him and his life NOW and certainly not spend your time wishing or caring whether his life is miserable or not. The best way to do this is to fix all the leaky faucets. However or whoever is providing you with updates on his life needs to be sealed. If he gets married and has 20 children or becomes a monk and joins a monastery, it just doesn’t matter and has no bearing on YOUR future. The second thing to do is not compare your life to his. Whatever he is doing is just a façade and not real and makes no difference anyway. He is a living lie. Try to dust off your ego and realize that this chapter may be over and it didn’t turn out that way you would have wanted it to but there is a lot more to the story and you get to decide what happens from here on out. So keep looking forward and focusing on YOU! Peace & Happiness~ Bree

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      1. Thanks for the reply. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I’m glad to hear this toxic ex syndrome will eventually go away, and I’m fighting my thoughts of his new ‘fake and happy’ life away from my mind by trying to think of things in my life. It’s hard but I’m determined. I’ve blocked him and her from my Facebook, and I’ll admit, I am tempted to peek because I want to see their breakup ASAP, but I won’t. Eventually I should, I hope, not give a damn. I know a thing like him will never be happy. How can he be? I know he’ll lie to her, even over the most tiniest of things, and I know without a doubt he’s already perved over all her friends’ Facebook pics. She’ll discover this, just like I had done. He’s 28, got kicked out of Uni, never keeps a job, he was signing on (UK benefits) and sponges off his parents, and he told me he’s going to France to join the French Foreign Legion for an adventure. When I dumped him, I felt positive who in their right mind would date such a loser? Again, he’s not even good looking. So I was a little shocked that he had someone! Who knows how he did it? I’m VERY shocked. He lied to his parents ALL the time, and his friends, and he did it without any conscience. I remember when I first saw him lie to his father I was taken aback at how good he was at it. I think he even got a little high off the lie.

        I have to remind myself, that how can he suddenly change just because he managed to trick a girl into his bed? How can one girl change all this about him? How can she suddenly give him a heart and make him care about anything but himself? She can’t. Unless she is some kind of magic pill girl. It is interesting that at first when you find out that they have a new relationship, that you don’t realise this. You just think ‘Oh no… he’s happy. She is everything I wasn’t and he’ll treat this one right….must have been something wrong with me.’ I can’t believe I’ve allowed someone to mess with my head so much that I can’t see or think clearly. And writing this, and talking to you on here, it’s making me see sense! I just wish my body would catch up with my mind because I still have that annoying pang in my stomach.

        I have a session with my personal trainer (N spent 3 years dishing out jabs about each part of my body and so I have issues with my body) as I decided a few months ago that I was going to love myself again. I’m determined to feel and look good. So I think it’s best I just use this as motivation to achieve my goals. I’m planning to travel this year once I get my confidence back, and go live my life. I have a good career and if I don’t let him win, I have a good future ahead. I really do hope I find a man with a good heart and this wretched being will be nothing but a distant memory.

        Thanks again for your support at this time. It’s helping me so much.🙂

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        1. This new girl – remember, he’s behind the wheel of a lovely shiny car, but it’s still him driving. No destination, no map, taking blind corners at 60 mph (they’re terrible drivers, anyone else noticed?) and the car will be discarded the moment the thrill wears off.

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  16. Dear Want to….
    Sometimes our anger and hurt can be misdirected. There is a soft place you need to go – and that place is where you forgive yourself for being involved with this guy. We continue to give them power by staying stuck in the muck. You are not alone in being conned by these heartless characters. And please know, that they are always quick to find a new woman because many of us were fronts for them. We somehow made them look better to the outside world. And his behaviour hasn’t changed for this new gal – believe me. And happiness? It’s not genuine. They don’t feel like we do. And when its done with this new gal he’ll never look back, Its a pattern. So if you no longer value his opinion, then it doesn’t matter what he does or how he thinks of you. Try to put your focus on your much healthier life without him. Your are not a victim. You made choices to change your life. Forgive yourself and when you do, you will you attract more of the right kind of people into your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HI Donna,

      Thank you, your words help me a lot. You’re right, I was a front. He used to show me off to his friends. In fact, he still has a few pics of me and him together on his FB page. I’ve asked him many times to take these down… he won’t. It’s obvious to me now why. He has to show his friends that look, look at the girls I get… ugh. Last time I told him to take them down was because I was embarrassed that I ever dated him and that I wanted no evidence haha

      He has nothing. He’s nearing 30 and has no job prospects (his parents, who were amazing btw, I really loved them😦 and his cat :(… are moving to Ireland in a few months and so he’ll have nothing other than this girl to sponge off). She is the only thing he has going for him right now. And you’re right about how they don’t feel like we do or even think like we do. They’re not normal. There is something inherently wrong with them.

      I’m going to keep a mantra in my head today. He is a cockroach, so why care about a cockroach that is in my way? I should just step over him, learn to resist squishing him, because if I allow my hatred to fester, waiting and wanting bad things to happen to him, he’ll be forever stuck to my shoe, causing me nuisance. I think today I’ll try a new thing. Whenever he pops into my head, a little image of him skipping down a hill laughing with his new victim, I will morph him into a cockroach wriggling on the floor with a fly caught in his hand, and then I will ask myself: Do you care about this cockroach and his new prey? Do you want to allow a slimy cockroach to cause you pain and ruin your life? Or do you want to go back to the person you used to be, that fun-loving, kind-hearted, generous, pretty girl (we are all pretty and should never let cockroaches say otherwise! I mean, look at them! They’re slimy and gross) who had a lot of admirers and a good life? I think I know which one I want to pick. (It bugs me a little because when we dated for 3 years, I had a few guy friends at Uni who wanted to date me and I think back and think, damn, they could have been soooo good for me.:/

      This website has been great for me in the space of 2 hellish days. I hope you don’t mind if I keep coming back daily this week and track my progress. Just typing my thought process out is helping so much and the support you guys are giving me is amazing. I’ll let you know tomorrow if my cockroach method worked or not, and hopefully, that pang will have vanished and I will have my appetite back! I’m training at the moment so I need my calories!!!

      Thanks again🙂 I already feel my sense of humour returning🙂

      Like

      1. You ladies are the biggest of helps here too… I have such a similar story… It’s frightening actually…

        Made jabs at my weight – wanted me to be his 1950s housewife… His place is a scungy hole… I did the best I could to clean it… And it wasn’t until after I left him I realised why he said he felt awkward in my house – I take pride in my home … He felt inadequate.

        I have realised much since we left. He has a new woman who they now do the same stuff I used to…

        The hardest is getting his words out of my head.

        Ha… He has cats also…

        Like

        1. I know what you mean about his words festering in your head and leading to self-doubt. I STILL remember exactly what he said to me. Pretty much, he kept telling me I was fat (I’m not, I’m just not anorexic, which is what he likes) but that I had a pretty face. He would always insult me, but then he would say I was only joking… He kept doing this…. I got to the point where I could no longer look at myself in the mirror. I’ve started training and eating healthy, but this is not for him. This is for me. I used to do this before I met him, it was when I was with him that I comfort ate… and had no energy to exercise. After I left him, in the last year, I told myself to not let him win. Over the year I finally started to like my body again. I even started realising that he was the hideous one. He was super hairy, and his hair used to stick out of his collar shirt on his back! He used to shave his chest and stomach and it was gross to lie on. Instead of listening to his words, listen to your words. I’m sure there was something gross about him you can use to make yourself feel better. I don’t know if this is good advice, but it did work for me.

          They do seem to do the same stuff with us. When I saw the pictures of them together on FB the other day and saw what they were up to, I was like, wait a minute… he took her to the British Museum… he took me there at the start of our relationship. He pretends to know A LOT about history. I had really liked this about him. He also took her to the same hill/countryside place he used to take me to… this place is beautiful…. And even though I don’t want him, it does something when you see that…

          I can relate to the ‘he felt he felt inadequate’ thing. He was kicked out of Uni and when I graduated, he wasn’t happy for me. He didn’t even come to my graduation. I’m glad now he didn’t, but at the time it wasn’t very nice knowing your BF did not care. When I got an amazing graduate job in London, his first reaction was not well done, it was something about him, I can’t remember what it was, but he just wanted to talk about his prospects, Oh wait, I remember, he was studying to become a doctor (he only got his dad to buy him a book, there was no course or anything) just reading that sentence back to myself just made me laugh. I then started up my own copy-editing business and did really well. He hated it. They hate it when you are doing better.

          I really do miss his cat. I bonded with her and I lost my own cat a long time ago…

          Like

      2. I tried the cockroach method yesterday and it really helped. It made him into a joke, and that’s exactly what he is. One big joke. And I don’t want to be his punchline anymore.🙂 I feel much better. I think I’m going to be able to move on soon and finally be free🙂 Thanks again for your support.

        Like

        1. Dear (not want to, but) WILL be free of him
          Bravo for your therapeutic and effective imagery! You sound like you have a lot of positive things going on, you are resourceful and entrepreneurial and creative – a cockroach and a fly! Haha. That in itself is a good sign you will re-connect with your inner spark and look at this ‘relationship’ as a blip in your life that has taught you so much about disordered personalities. You will be able to spot them now and know to keep a wide berth. And the real wonderful life lesson is that if our gut is telling us something seems off – we need to listen to it. I see a lot of joy in your future. It is so important to have absolutely NO contact with him though. Block him on Facebook, no testing etc who care if pics are still up of you. I know it irks you but your life is moving forward – his isn’t. Remove temptation, just like a craving for something that isn’t good for you – if remove it the self control you find yourself having is something you will be proud of. And nevermind stepping over that damn roach – buy yourself a new pair of boots – and stomp that sucker into smithereens!!

          Like

  17. Thank you soooooooooooooooo much for this article. I literally felt like I was going crazy when I found out he had a new girlfriend- now I don’t. I honestly believed that it was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough. I actually feel sorry for this girl, whoever she is, that she has to go through this. I hope they break up- not for my sake, but for hers.
    I really hope more people see this, and are able to see the signs. If I hadn’t randomly decided to look up his characteristics one day, I would have never discovered he’s a narcissist. So many victims of this never even find out. We need to get the info across so that less victims blame themselves, like I did, and so many of us have.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. it s true
    but what should be thinkable if he has left you to being married?
    he d been loving me and was too caring about my needs and involved with me ,but after 2months he wanted his ex who d loved him without any announce or presenting her sadness.and after 2 years tussle and fight_peace vicious cycle,and too crying ,he left.
    I m doubtful if my ex lover is an narcopath or a normal man who loved me for a while and his ex could return him?
    who can guide me ???(his bizzar behaviors and weird actions(sometimes) gets me
    doubtful )
    thanks a lot

    Like

  19. You couldn’t have been more right about this. I lived it for 5 long years. It is a hard, HARD road to get back to old version of yourself – albeit much wiser and full of self-love – but it is possible. I’m getting there every day. The best revenge is living well. I can’t wait to tell my story in hopes that it will continue to heal me and help others.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you so much Bree. Honestly, this is the BEST article I’ve read in all these months. This article was the exact description of my relationship with my ex boyfriend for 2 long depressing years and also what’s happening on Social Media with him and his current new lover. I felt souless, lifeless, and every part of my soul was ripped apart when I was with him… And now I’ve become more stronger and wiser and most importantly feeling more peaceful and happy without him in my life. Thank you so so much. :)))

    Liked by 1 person

  21. This article really hit home with me. I’m not sure if the guy I was with was a narcissist but he does meet a lot of the qualities. I’m freshly out of this relationship and I’m going through a lot of self-hatred and self harm. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do I can’t stand the fact that he’s with someone else I feel like I’m dying inside if somebody could please talk to me I would appreciate it.

    Like

  22. Thank you for this…. It’s been 2and a half months since we split after an on again off again year and a half, and within days he was with someone new… And yes I’ve peaked on social media only to see how happy they look together. And I’m left wondering why I couldn’t haven given him more, told him more, shown him more love. And she seems to be giving him everything I didn’t. And all the while we ve been in contact and I’ve been told how much I was the love of his life, he misses what we had, and thinks about me every day….why can’t I be free of this toxic behavior? It was a very passionate, fun, intense relationship, and he made me feel like the most cherished, loved, and pampered woman in the world…..

    Like

  23. My advice would be “don’t even look him or his new target up on any social websites “. Even better do not have social website accounts. We were fine without Facebook before. Following my attorneys advice I deleted everything , changed my phone no and email address. Best advice ever. The day I filed for divorce was the first day I did not look him up online anymore or her. The past was over. Through financial documents in divorce court I found out that he spent tons of money in the young co worker taking her on cruises and fancy restaurants ,buying her jewelry and clinging , etc. all the while he had stopped paying household bills and his only child’s college tuition .this was all temporary as I so spousal support in court. Now he must live the consequences of his actions. He lost his family, his money , his house, his son. He lost everything. For what ?the hot affair with the 20 something year old. Please , she can have that loser. He never deserved the love of his wife and son. And this is how he ended up. With absolutely nothing. I healed. I recovered. God bless all of us who were in such pain because of these evil creatures. Life will be good again.

    Like

  24. I don’t know if the last guy I dated is a sociopath but he loved bombed me, rushed into a relationship, declared love by 3 wks, I was special, felt so comfy with me, told me o had his heart. Introduced me to people. Totally sucked me in. He played victim, said he’d been cheated on etc but never went to deep into his past.
    Then he started devaluing me, said he’d got others interested in him, he usually went for younger women. I felt insecure. He started asking for favours etc. I noticed he had a fan club on fb and when we went out he would buy huge rounds and enjoyed being mr popular. I thought I’d met a great guy.
    I didn’t last long , 3 mths. He abruptly dumped me by text and after I told him I’d had feelings he asked if I meant A feeling. He never contacted me again and I never contacted him.
    As we had mutual friends on fb I recently saw, 2 mths since my discard that he has changed his profile pic to him self with his new much younger girl friend.
    Made me feel like garbage.
    I don’t know if he meant to hurt me but he never showed a ounce of care he just moved on.
    So I guess I will never know what I was dealing with.
    But I guessing a damaged emotionally stunted man.

    Like

  25. Great article Bree. I’ve read this before but how I wish I read it again an hour ago before I broke and sent a “do not contact me” reply to my ex. I don’t know how many times he cheated for sure, who actually gets to know the whole truth.

    In the space of two months he left me twice, the first for a woman who left him two days after he officially broke it off with me (he let me know this by texting me “you’ll be happy to know I’m now single again”) and the second around my birthday that he once again forgot after four years together. I’ve gone three months no contact and he’s been ringing and leaving one word messages on and off since. I gave in and checked Facebook and of course theres a photo of him in her bed and I let it get the better of me.

    Now I’m feeling disgusted at myself because after three months of no contact and the insane amount of information I’ve read and listened to I’m still not learning anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It takes a lot of strength and will power and determination not to check up on him or his new minion. After I was discarded I broke the no contact a few times. But at one point you must gather all strength and put an end to it. Stay of social websites, delete your account. Checking him on Facebook is like still having contact with him. It is like an addiction that you must break. I have been no contact and also divorced now since 3 years. Best decision I ever made. Wishing you strength and peace and happiness. Stay strong my dear. Guard your inner child. Think with your brain and not your heart. I did it and so can you. Only way to heal and recover. I was married for over 20 years and I lost everything. But I gained a new peaceful , sane life without the drama in being cheated on, lied to and betrayed. I would never go back. I have my son and I have my pets. That’s all I need. Life is great again.

      Like

  26. This is one of the best articles I have ever read about Narcissists and their new targets. Every point is spot on. I hated going on vacations with my ex-husband because he was so high maintenance and always started a fight towards the end of each vacation (even our honeymoon). He was always miserable, but you’d better believe the pics we posted got hundreds of “likes.” I’ve been divorced for 13 months. My ex-husband was engaged 4 months after the divorce was final, and married a few months later. And yep, he prances her around like a trophy. He used to do the same to me. I’m so glad to be free of him. And I’m learning to truly love the life I have. I’m 100% happier and much more successful than I was when we were married. Sometimes new wives stereotype the ex-wife, saying we’re jealous or spiteful because they married our ex-husband. In reality, the ex-wives I know can care less. We know the fool as the fool. And one day, she will too.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. You stated is so correctly. I am the ex wife also. I am not jealous , I am not envious , I am not angry. What I am is “being free, happy, at peace and so grateful”. I first thought my life fell apart. Just the opposite happened. My life fell into place. I am finally free of his betrayals and lies. I am thankful for the little minion who crossed his path. The last one who he could not resist. The one he left his family for. The one who he put before his only son and his wife of 20 years. The one who was so irrestistsble sexy that he could turn down. The one who was willing to be his affair partner. The one who was his co worker on their nightly deputy shifts. The one he lied and betrayed with. The one who was 16 years younger then him. Well. In the end he lost everything. His family, his house, his money , his child, his inherits. Like my lawyer said. “You cannot fix stupid but you can divorce it “. Thank God for her. Otherwise I would still be sleeping next to the devil.

    Like

  28. Our son has my ex as a friend on facebook, there is a thing about facebook if you join closed groups they will show up on friends of friends suggested page…I got a good laugh, the ex less than 4 months of leaving and moving in with his new love had already joined two new “adult” groups…one of them being a swinger/cheaters group, one a porn sharing group

    Like

  29. Mine is doing this. He got himself a new victim pretty fast- this comes after me and him agreeing to one year no contact to get his sex addiction, his misogyny (he really hates women) use of internet porn and prostitutes under control via therapy. So after approx. just 2-3 months after we both last talked he is rubbing this picture into my face hurting me on purpose.
    Even though I kind of expected something like this would happen I was stunned at how shameless and vicious he acts towards me.
    So, wow, this is when I actually realized fully he really is a bad, nasty person and he is not even ashamed of it.
    It kind of completey opened my eyes.
    I blocked him- hope he will forever leave me alone now.
    Oh, and I couldn’t care less if he is happy because I know he is not- only unhappy people act like this, no happy content person would act this cruelly and sadistic towards someone he claims to love.
    He is such a hypocrite- unbelievable.
    I just hope the new women will see through him soon…poor girl does not know wat she got herself into.

    Like

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